wiTHIN at Toronto Comic Arts Festival (TCAF)

This past weekend I had the opportunity to take part in the adventure of TCAF as wiTHIN was debuting.  I have gone in the past but up until this weekend, I have never been a vender showing off art and material.  Not being an artist myself (I draw stick people!!), but the author of wiTHIN, I found the whole experience to be quite fascinating.  

First of all, there were tons of people, both venders and attendees! Even though it was held at the Reference Library in Toronto, it was crowded.  People who had came on the first day, returned on the second as they had not even reached the second floor of the exhibit.  And of the people who attended, some were in costume, others with funky hair do's and colours, cool tights and interesting tattoos.  Old, young, even sleeping babies! People drove/flew across provinces and over the boarder to attend or participate in this event. The energy in the room was happy and fun, which made selling product quite enjoyable and entertaining. 

It was encouraging as it was the first time wiTHIN made such a public appearance since being available for purchase online.  Through word of mouth and online marketing, individuals came specifically looking to buy the book.  This was encouraging to both myself and Emily McGratten   for a variety of reasons.  For one thing, it is always an honour when people are interesting in buying pieces of art or material you have created, but secondly, that there was a shared passion in the message and purpose of what we were doing. Many people could either directly relate to the message of wiTHIN, knew of someone who had or is struggling,  or felt this was a topic that needed to be talked about more in the open. 

What I also enjoyed about TCAF was the variety in art displayed as well as diversity in experience.  From anime, to screen printing and well-known artists to first time vendors. There was room for us all, and all with a story of some sort to tell! Next up for wiTHIN is the Vancouver  Comic Arts Festival on May 24-25th.  Check it out!

May 6 2014 - International No Diet Day

What would happen if I stood on a milk crate in downtown Guelph, ON, shouting, "HEALTH AT EVERY SIZE" or "CELEBRATE YOUR BODY"?  What about if I shouted, "DIETS DON'T WORK"?  How would people respond?  I imagine some would think, "aw, that's a nice message. Yeah yeah yeah, what we need is self-love...self-acceptance... heard it all before." Perhaps some would think, "Sure, easy for you to say... but I still need to lose a few pounds."  I do know, however, there would be a population of people that would completely agree and who work hard at having a healthy relationship with  their body's shape, weight and size.  Unfortunately, I think this population is the minority, but get excited when I see change... even if it is ever so slight.

I've often commented in my blog, that what I say is counter-cultural.  That it is possible to be healthy at any size as well as unhealthy at any size. Size isn't the issue as it is lifestyle and balance. We spend so much time, energy and emotion trying to measure our worth (and health!) according to our pant size or number on the scale.  We look for quick fixes, immediate gratification and measurements of progress that are mostly external. The message needs to change... and... slowly it is!

Today is International No Diet Day! Different cities and organizations will be delivering the same counter cultural message my clients often hear in the four walls of my office. In downtown Guelph, ON, storefronts are supporting the Wellington-Dufferin-Guelph Eating Disorder Coalition (WDGEDC) by putting up signs with positive body affirmations on them and anti-dieting messages. 

Also, at 6:30pm tonight, there is a screening of 'America the Beautiful II" at the Princess Theatre in Waterloo, which examines the obsessiveness of dieting in our culture as well as weight and size. This event is put on by the WDGEDC and Canadian Mental Health Association. Check for events in your area that speak up against dieting... and if none exist, don't let that stop you!  Think about ways to get involved in spreading this message.  

Slowly, but consistently there is a force and movement that is challenging mainstream society.  One that chooses to not listen to or play by the rules that confine people in self-hate, dissatisfaction and shame. It is a message that promotes self-acceptance, health and a sense of freedom.  We don't have to wait until the rules change to live and think differently.  And I challenge you to start today and  continue to follow through tomorrow and the next day and the next.  How will you celebrate International No Diet Day this year?

Fighting the Urge of ED Behaviours

When is the most difficult time for you not to engage in eating disorder behaviours?  Is it directly after a meal? Is it when you are alone? Bored? Is it after a fight with a friend/partner/family member? Is it pre or post your therapy session? Have your behaviours become habit/pattern that you do without much thought throughout the day?  Here are a few tips to help you push through the times where you may want to engage.  

#1 Eat with Someone - Eating with a friend or family member can help act as a form of accountability.  It can also ease the distress of the meal process as well as post meal anxieties.  Strike up a conversation with the person(s) eating with you to help get you out of your head and into the moment.  Be sure to pick a 'safe' friend or family member who can support instead of trigger you.  If you know Aunt Alma continually comments of how full she is or likes to bring up emotional issues, it might be a good idea to pick someone else. Again, don't forget to have a conversation with this person around what you need from them so you all enter the situation prepared.  One last thing... eat at the table in front of the t.v. to aid in mindful eating!  

#2 Create a Distraction Plan - Make a list of 20 activities you could do during your 'high risk' times (high risk in the sense you are at a 'higher risk' of engaging in eating disorder behaviours).  From that list, try doing 5 to 10 of such activities to distract you from your urge.  Try avoiding putting exercise on your list to avoid creating an unhealthy association between it and food.  To help you get started with your list, here are a few activities.   

- watch a t.v. show, read a chapter in a book, colour, paint, sing, look up places to vacation or of cute sloths (well... that won't be hard as all sloths are cute!!), journal, call a friend, write a letter, send an e-mail, do the dishes, clean, do your homework, create a play list of music, collage, card making, crossword puzzle

#3 Plan Ahead - Take time to figure out when you are most at risk for engaging in eating disorder behaviour and plan for it.  Don't just wing it, hoping your urges won't get the better of you.  It's okay to have a plan! Set a specific day where you go grocery shopping and create a meal plan for the week.  Plan appointments so they don't run over meal times.  If they do, know where you are going to have your meal or snack so it doesn't act as an excuse to engage in ED behaviours. If you struggle with purging after mealtimes, have a guideline where you cannot leave the table for at least 30-45 mins after eating (which would be a good time to do some of the activities listed above). 

#4 Non-negotiatbles - Get back to the basics and set up some non-negotiatbles.  These would be things you do, regardless of how you emotionally or physically feel.  So, when you are sad, mad, anxious, etc, non-negotiables are thing you do regardless of the emotion that is present.  Also, in the early parts of recovery, hunger cues may be out of whack, making them not reliable as to whether or not you feel like eating.   Remember, everyone's recovery is different and non-negotiables may look different depending on what you need to be successful in your recovery.  For example, non-negotiables for one person could mean eating at the exact time for each meal, while another may have more room for flexibility as long as they still eat three meals per day and a snack(s).  Other non-negotiables may entail only exercising on designated days or a specific amount of times per week.  The point isn't to be rigid or 'perfect' in your recovery as it is to help you do what you need to do to be healthy. 

#5 Talk with Your Therapist - Expect struggle and urges! It's part of the recovery journey.  There will be times where you have tried all of the above and still engage in behaviours.  Try talking with your therapist as to what happened, what you tried and what you could try the next time.  Nip behaviours in the bud when they happen and be open about them.  

Do's and Don'ts for Friends and Caregivers

When someone close to you has an eating disorder, it may seem as though nothing you say or do is right. The well intentioned words of encouragement somehow get twisted into cruelty and judgement.  Here is a list of helpful as well as unhelpful things to say.  Every individual with an eating disorder is different and the best way to find out what is more helpful than not is to simply ask! Have a conversation with your loved one to learn the less threatening ways of communicating with them.  Keep in mind, they may not know, which may lead to a season of trial and error. Keep the lines of communication open, or at least, create a safe place for conversation to occur for when your loved one is ready to talk.  Although you might not understand the eating disorder or approve of it, they still need your love and support. 

Helpful Things to Say/Do

• Say to me, "I'm here to talk if you want to"
• Ask me if I want a hug instead of assuming I want or don't want one
• Ask me If I want you to sit with me during meal times 
• Listen, even if I don't make sense
• Validate my feelings, even if they don't seem rational to you
• Ask me what I need from you
• Talk to me about non-eating disorder things
• Spend time with me
• Still ask me to do things with you, even though I usually say 'no'
• Learn more about my illness 
• Acknowledge my boundaries
• Tell me that you're here for me in anyway you can be to support my recovery
• Tell me that you love me, even with the eating disorder

Unhelpful Things to Say/Do

• Don't say, "You look so healthy"
• Don't say, "You've gained weight"
• Don't ask me, "What did you eat today?"
• Don't question what I should or shouldn't be eating 
• Don't assume you know how I feel
• Don't forget I'm still a person instead of an eating disorder
• Don't try to 'fix' me
• Don't tell me not to cry
• Don't comment on my body, weight, shape
• Don't talk negatively about your body in front me of
• Don't comment on other people's bodies/appearance/weight

Self-Care for Caregivers/Friends/Support People

I want to state, right off the bat, that eating disorders do not simple affect the one specifically struggling.  Nor do the needs of family members and support people become null and void. Today's blog post states some helpful tips for family members/friends/support people to keep in mind when walking alongside someone who has an eating disorder. 

• Self-Care - you still have needs, and it is okay for you to get them met.  Give yourself permission to take a step back from the supportive position for awhile so that you can recharge and feel a little more refreshed.  It is also good modelling for your loved one to see that you are taking time to do this.  No one person can be or do everything for another person and this situation is no exception.  
• Maintain Social Connection - Meet up with your friends and talk about anything but eating disorders and recovery.  Try to give yourself a break from this.  You are still allowed to have a life outside of your loved one's illness.  It is okay to keep up with the craft group you have always belonged to or to meet up with friends after work on Fridays.  If you always went walking with Jeff, continue walking with Jeff.  Being a support person is only one of the many roles and aspects of your life.   
• Talk/Share - Gather a few trusted people who can support you as you support your loved one.  Give voice to your frustrations, fears and worries.  Your loved one may get upset with you for needing to talk to others, but you cannot do this alone.  When you talk to these select people, share what the experience is like from you. Identity and own your feelings as opposed to speaking for or about your loved one's.  Just like your loved one needs a support team (and likely one's outside the family), as do you! Also, try having a conversation with your loved one about which topics they would prefer you not to talk about with certain people. 
• Maintain a Health Lifestyle - Take a look at your eating habits, exercise habits, work/home/family balance, etc and make changes if needed. Again, this is good modelling for your loved one.  Keep in mind that you might be able to do certain things your loved one should not be doing... and this is ok! For example, exercising may be problematic for your loved one and their recovery.  This doesn't mean that you shouldn't either.  They are the one's with the eating disorder. Try, however, to be considerate about how you talk about exercising in front of them, etc.  
•  Journal - Writing/drawing about what you are going through can be a very cathartic process.  It can be a safe, non-judgemental place to explore, find meaning, and vent.  It can also be a place filled with inspirational quotes and positive moments/successes from the day.
• Accept and Feel Your Feelings - You will experience a whole range of feelings when caring for a love one with an eating disorder. Try not to judge them, as you feel how you feel and that's okay.  You may feel anger, helplessness, resentment, sadness as well as joy, hope, optimism and love.  Having a supportive network outside of our loved one is important when sharing and exploring these feelings. 
• Therapy - There is no shame in going to a therapist who has experience working with supporting a loved one with an eating disorder. Check on-line to find a therapist in your area and don't stop looking until you find one that you feel comfortable with and trust. 
• Laugh - It's such good medicine!

ICED 2014

I had the pleasure of attending the 2014 International Conference of Eating Disorders (ICED) in NYC for the past 4 days.  Professionally, it has been helpful to meet other professionals, exchange ideas and learn the latest in research.  Personally, the most intriguing and reflective parts of this time away were the conversations that occurred in the evenings at the home of a former ringette coach, with whom I stayed with (and her family) in New Jersey.  I thought I'd share a few things I learned both professionally, and personally.

Professionally: 

• where, why and which parts of the brain that are neurologically affected by starvation, leading to chaotic voices of indecision, high alert, perfectionism, disorganization and discontent in body image 
• how athletes face much pressure to look and perform a certain way... both within the culture of sport and outside the culture of sport.  This can often lead to a disconnect or disagreement with both liking and hating their bodies. For example, being muscular may be an asset in boxing, however, can leave some women feeling unfeminine outside the ring (or whatever sport)
• exposing instead of avoiding mirrors can be a useful tool in recovery
• media is not the enemy, however, we must learn how to harness it and use it to help instead of hinder health and recovery (such as: Rise Up & Recovery, DBT Diary Card and Skills Coach and Recovery Record)
• the strong need to redefine (or/and find) a better definition for the word 'recovery'

Personally: 

• a person's eating disorder will have a wider affect on the people around them than initially understood
• what you perceived as gossip about you in recovery might have genuinely been compassion as well as a legitimate need to talk about worry/concern regarding the one struggling (who may not currently be in your life)
• share with people how they have positively impacted your life while you can instead of waiting 'X' amount of years
• I am not alone in being open about my journey with an eating disorder
• you may not understood how far you've come until years later
• people come and go in life... and sometimes, when you think they're gone forever, it is possible to still reunite
• only in NYC will you be greeted by Elmo, Spiderman, Ironman, minions, the statue of liberty, etc on your way to work

Self-Care: Do You Do It?

What do you think of when you hear "self-care"?  Do you think of going to an elaborate spa fir the weekend or simply getting enough sleep? Is it a concept that is nice in theory but difficulty to practice? Is it a priority or the last thing on your mind? Do you always put the needs of others in front of your own? Do you think you deserve it or do feel selfish for spending time, and perhaps money, on yourself?

Self-care is essential for well-being. We deserve self-care based on the sole fact we are human.  Truly, we can't take care of others if we do not take care of ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Here are a few suggestions on how to self-care for each of your needs.  Feel free to add to my list!

Physical: 

• shower daily
• get 8 hours of sleep
• get regular check-ups at the doctor and dentist
• eat three nutricious meals a day with a snack or two
• moisturize daily
• regular, healthy amounts, of exercise
• stretch
• brush and floss your teeth
• skin care
• get a hair cut
• have a bath
• go for a walk
• have sex
• massage
• take medication as prescribed

Mental:

• puzzles (ie: sudoku, crossword, mathematical)
• take breaks from work
• read
• take time to have a mental vacation, something that doesn't require you to think a lot
• mindfulness/mediation 
• yoga
• talk about what's on your mind with a trust friend/family member/therapist
• participate in meaningful activities
• create balance and boundaries between work/home/school life
• physical, emotional and spiritual self-care

Emotional:

• talk with a friend
• set time aside for one's self
• go to therapy
• participate in meaningful activities
• feel your feelings
• breath
• radical acceptance - "a series of events has led up to this moment, it is what it is"
• be present
• positive self-talk/affirmations
• get and give a hug
• do something for someone else
• accept where you and others are at

Spiritual:

• talk with God, Higher Power, Someone Greater or outside of one's self
• talk to a spiritual leader
• go to a place of worship
• pray
• meditate
• embrace and participate in cultural significant practices (ie: sweat lodges, smudging, healing practices)
• participate in meaningful activities
• find and live according to your values
• read prayers, poems, religious text
• yoga
• nature walk
• sit/walk in silence
• mindfulness
• forgive others and/or self
• make ammends 
• connect

Make time for self-care. Schedule it into your week if you have to.  Designate specific times throughout the day/week/ month where you specifically attend to each category of need.  You deserve it, you are worth it, you can do it!

Commenting on Appearance

Every now and then, someone will make a comment on my appearance.  Meant to be a compliment (although not exclusively...), it  makes me uncomfortable.  It's not that I don't know how to take a compliment, as it is more that I know how harmful such comments can be, even though 'well-intentioned'.  Here is why, can you relate?

1) You don't know how the comment will be received.  For those struggling with body-image, eating disorders or distorted eating, commenting on one's body/appearance can potentially be dangerous.  It can feed into the unhealthy mentality that looks are the most important thing.  It can perpetuate unhealthy and symptomatic behaviours in others and give the illusion that what they are doing is okay.  Even the comment, "You look healthy" can be interpreted as, "You've gained weight".  A part of recovery is about pulling away from the need and emphasis on looks.  It is learning about who you are as a whole, instead of focusing on one aspect. 

Solution - If you want to encourage someone, try identifying something other than how they look.  What do you like about them? Was it how they were compassionate towards their teammate after a loss? Do they seem more happier or friendlier lately?  Have you noticed their bravery in asserting themselves to a friend/bully/boss/family member, etc? Try asking them how they would like to hear compliments, praise or concern. What may work for one person may not work for another.

2) You don't know how others in the room who hear the comment will respond.  If a thin person is praised, it could lead to body comparison by bystanders.  Those of different weights/shapes/sizes who didn't receive the compliment may feel as though there is something wrong with them and/or that they are not 'good' enough. By praising one thing, it is easy to assume that the opposite of this deserves criticism. 

Solution - Go directly to the person instead of saying it in front of a room full of people.  Obviously, there are times where it is completely appropriate to praise someone publicly (and I'm not talking about beauty pageants or weight loss shows).  Again, try giving a compliment or praise on something non-body or appearance related. Remember, we come in all shapes and sizes, and that's okay!  Perhaps, try praising the whole group or team on their effort instead of singling out one individual.

3)  People get treated differently due to their shape/size. I've heard (and experienced) from too many people how they've been treated differently due to weight loss or gain.  Although many factors could play into this, I do question why and how one's weight/shape has the ability to make one more/less attractive, have more/less 'will power', is more/less intelligent, etc than they were before.  Approval and inclusivity should not be determined by how someone looks.  This is sizeism. This is no different than treating people of different genders, skin colour, culture, religion, age, etc. differently. 

Solution - Ask yourself if you hold any stereotypes about people of different shapes and sizes.  Whatever the answer, don't judge it, just ask, "why is that?" and "do I really believe it?".  Try talking about it to a trusted and non-judgmental friend, family member or therapist. 

4)  Beauty is narrowly defined. There is this cultural idea of what beauty is, which is too narrowly defined.  It is a genetic lottery if you fit into it.  It is not someone's fault if they are short, tall, or have a heavier set point.  Humanity is diverse, let's celebrate it!

Solution - Ask yourself why is being 'beautiful' so important.  Who defines what it is?  Do you have a tendency to buy into the cultural and media driven ideal of beauty? 

5) Self-worth is not dependent on shape, weight or beauty.  Comments from others about your body don't have to make or break your day.  They don't have to define you. You are much much much more than how you look. 

Solution - Practice positive self-talk and self-validation instead of solely relying on the comments of others.