Recovery and Aron Ralston

***This post contains graphic content. Reader’s discretion advised***

In April, I had the opportunity to hear Aron Ralston speak. Remember him? He’s the dude that the movie, 127 Hours, is based off of.  He is also the author of Between a Rock and a Hard Place. A quick synopsis, which doesn’t do the actual experience nor the movie justice, goes like this. Aron, a mountaineer, went for an easy desert trek over the course of a few days. For him, this trek felt like playing in the familiarity of one’s back yard, in comparison to his more intense treks, such as climbing all of Colorado’s ‘fourteeners’, solo… in the winter. He didn’t bother to tell anyone where he was going. Descending into a slot canyon, a bolder dislodged, pinning his right arm against the canyon wall. He stayed there for 5 days and 7 hours, before finally having to break the bones in his arm before cutting it off with a cheap pocket knife. Detached from the bolder, yes... out of the woods yet... no. He later rappelled down a 20m sheer cliff before stumbling upon a family who was hiking in the dessert who helped him reach safety, in addition to a search and rescue put in place through the efforts his mom.

Exhale… 

As I sat there listening to his experience, I could not help but think about some of the parallels to recovery. Before I continue, my intention isn’t to cheekily drum up parallels for the sake of tying these two experiences together (side note: the investment company that hosted the event introduced Aron by talking about how being in investments can often feel like being caught between a rock and a hard spot when working with GIC’s and the stock market… um… ok…). My intention is to encourage, motivate and validate the experience of recovery. Here’s what stood out for me. 

#1 Recovery can often feel like being stuck between a rock and a hard spot… especially early on. It can feel like no matter what you do, or don’t do, you still feel stuck. Your parents beg you to have dinner, while the eating disorder is screaming at you not to. The eating disorder that used to bring comfort and control, has since imprisoned and controls you. You know you can’t continue in your eating disorder, but the thought of leaving it or life without it seems impossible.  I think this is where hope comes into play. Hope that the possibility at least exists, even if you don’t know how to get there. As a therapist, it’s my job to hold that hope for you until you are ready to take it on as your own. The same goes for the family and friends who are supporting you. 

#2 Difficulties and struggle help broaden your perspective.  It just so happened that the day of Aron’s talk, it was day 4 of his ordeal that took place in 2003. This was the hardest days for him. On this day, he was drinking his own urine as he had run out of water. This experience has been a source of perspective for him all these years later. He uses having to drink his own urine as a bench mark to gauge the severity of current situation. For example, is being stuck in traffic, which is making you late for a meeting, worse than drinking your own pee? How about having to eat the rest of your sandwich that is in front of you? Is drinking your own pee worse than weight gain? Inpatient treatment? Taking a semester off school in order to get help? I’m not minimizing the difficulty in making decisions/choices regarding health and recovery. It is a real struggle and for some, drinking pee may be the less scary choice. My point is, when we move past the struggle, it can help shed a different perspective on the present. It can act as a source of motivation.  “If I could do ‘X’, than I can definitely do ‘Y’”; or “Doing ‘B’ is tough… but not as tough as ‘C’ was… I can do this!”  

#3 Thinking of Positive Memories/Feelings in Difficult Times.  When stuck in the canyon, Aron’s mind would wonder to memories that made him smile and feel appreciative. As a therapist, I encourage clients to do the same thing! Being aware of positive memories/feelings helps in changing our thinking. It acts as evidence against  the ED lies that say we are umworthy. It also gives us hope for the future for when these times return… because they will! Being aware of what makes us feel peace, happiness, joy and contentment in the moment gives us a brief reprieve from the fight, in addition to increasing our awareness that ‘good’ does happen, despite the ‘bad’. These feelings act as a light shinning through the crack beneath the door. They let us know it still exists even though you may feel surrounded by darkness.

#4 You Are Stronger Than You Think. I talked with a friend of mine about Aron’s story as few days after the event.  She raised a concern as we talked. She commented how as inspirational as his story is, it may lead many people to belittle their experiences because it wasn’t as drastic. Many more people struggle with an eating disorder (or other mental health issue) than those who have had to drink their own urine and cut off their own arm. The world is filled with such courageous individuals who have had to face their own bolders and/or cut of various aspects of their life in order to be well. Recognize your efforts.  Recognize your strength. Recognize your journey! Just because a movie wasn’t made, doesn’t make it any less significant! In fact, it’s likely even more relatable… which can mean the world to someone who feels as though they are completely alone. 

#5 Faith. There are too many things about Aron’s story, especially about the timing and circumstance of his rescue, for it to all be a coincidence. Whatever your belief or faith practice is, sometimes there are circumstances in life that we can’t explain or don’t understand. I think it’s partly because we don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle… maybe we aren’t meant to either.  A common thread in those who struggle with an eating disorder often has to do with control. Sometimes, it’s important to let go of it and try to trust your faith… or the process.  Trusting your faith doesn’t mean disengaging from the fight, sometimes it just means trusting in what it is in this moment… That maybe there are things at play that you are unaware of that are occurring simultaneously as you fight. You don’t know when or where these things may come together, but keep fighting until they do. Just keep in mind it might be different than how you thought it would. 

INDD Downtown and on the Radio

May 6th was International No Diet Day.  The Waterloo-Wellington Eating Disorders Coalition in partnership with local downtown businesses have come together to help spread the word about health at every size, encouraging individuals to move away from dieting. Listen to some of the radio clips and view some of the messages that were in storefront windows below! How did you celebrate? 

3rd Printing of wiTHIN

It's hard to believe... but it's true.  We just received our third printing of wiTHIN... and it comes with some interesting changes. 

We are now using a different printing company in Toronto (TLAC). This company is pretty rad, as they take a part of their printing proceeds and writes a cheque (monthly!) to SickKids Patient Care, in part of the Foundation of Hope and Hospitals in Toronto, ON. So, in a way, when you buy a copy of wiTHIN, not only do you get some amazing art and read, you are also helping those in need! Cool, eh!?

Some others changes we made was including an ISBN number (looking official now people!), changed its size, as well as added quotes from various magazine articles and bloggers on the back cover. It has been such a humbling experience to receive encouragement and support from various avenues. And you are included in this as we wouldn't have been able to get a third printing done if people weren't buying our book! Thank you!

Emily is now off to plant trees, but don't you worry... Part 2 is in the illustrative works! If you have no idea what  wiTHIN is all about... check it out on my website or by clicking here.

Change is Uncomfortable

I was having a conversation with someone recently about change. It went something like this:

Me: "Everyone else has been telling me the exact same thing you have told me from the start... How I need to do 'X'."

Them: "It's hard take in and hear what others are saying when it involves you having to make the change. Sometimes we need to hear it from different people and in different ways in order to finally accept it." 

Change is uncomfortable. It can involve an element of 'unknown', which for some people, is terrifying.  It's interesting that the only constant in life is change. It happens everyday, in some form or other. Many people assume that change means a passing of the good and a unwelcome season of bad. I don't think this is always the case. Sometimes we have to let go of something wonderful in order to receive the beautiful thing awaiting us.   

For many who struggle with an eating disorder, controlling food brought a sense of stability in the midst of change they felt they could not control. In the short term, it works, but in the long term, it inevitably turns into something that controls them, in addition to bringing a range of medical, social, psychological and emotional complications. In order to recovery, change towards health/wellness and away from their eating disorder has to occur.   Here are some tips that make change more manageable:

• Supports - Don't do it alone. It's helpful to have a cheerleading section as you may need convincing from time to time. Bring people into your life (both professionally and personally) who will support you. Talk about your fears... ask for help... find someone who will help keep you accountable.
• One Step at a Time - Thinking of everything you need to change at once will overwhelm you. Remember, you don't need to change everything all at once. There will likely be areas/behaviours you will be more eager to change than others and that's okay. Work on those ones and go from there. 
• Celebrate - Don't discount the small steps you take when moving towards health and wellness. Each step you take is one step further from your eating disorder. 
• Embrace Emotion - Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that come with recovery. There will be days where you miss your eating disorder... there will be days where you hate it. There will be days where you are on top of the world for having eaten a challenging snack and other days when it scares you. All of it is normal and natural. Don't discount the enjoyable emotions either, even when they feel unfamiliar. 
• Don't Be Afraid to Laugh At Yourself - I'm sure there will be times that as you go about recovery, you look rather silly.  For example, I'll never forget the time in my recovery when I was doing a jig in front of a mirror trying desperately to get into a pair of jeans I grew out of.  In the midst of it, I realized what I was doing and how silly I looked. I laughed at myself and it hit me... it was time to stop fighting change and embrace it by wearing clothes that fit.
•  Include Non-ED Treatment Activities - There is definitely a place for therapy, therapeutic groups, seeing your doctor, and all of this.  It is also important to build a life outside of treatment. Join a board game group, learn to knit and find a knitting circle, take a language course, return to a sport you loved before your ED took over (as always, talk with your therapist and doctor about this before returning to make sure you are medically cleared and that it does not hinder your recovery). You are so much more than someone with an eating disorder... don't forget to cultivate those parts!
• Pace Yourself - Change and recovery takes time. Allow yourself to take it. Pace yourself by setting up realistic goals.  Solidify the healthy changes you have made instead of rushing onto something else. It is not a race, nor a competition. 

When we learn healthier ways of coping and being, we can manage those difficult and unpleasant seasons that life brings. Change can be uncomfortable... just like growing pains are. But, it can lead to new opportunities, health and wellness.  It can lead you to fully being able to enjoy the seasons of joy that life has to offer. 

Fears of Joining Groups

Last Wednesday, Juniper Roots finished its first art therapy group.  We focused on body-image and self-acceptance, two common issues for those in recovery from an eating disorder. I cannot speak for those who participated, but as one of the individuals co-facilitating the group, it was very rewarding to be witness to positive change and growth that occurred over the 8 weeks.

With the hopes and plans to run more groups at Juniper Roots (a relapse prevention group just started last week actually), I thought I would challenge some destructive and distorted types of thinking that often hinders individuals from joining, potentially robbing them of the opportunity to move forward in their recovery.  Interestingly, most group attendees are often thinking the same thing... yet each thing they are the only one :) Can you relate to any of the following?

1) I'm Not Sick Enough

Depending on the type of group or program, this could possibly be true. Some groups have specific criteria that must be met, and depending on whether or not you meet said criteria, you may not qualify. 

Most often, however, when this comment is said, it is coming out of a place of distortion.  It is a clever way for the eating disorder to convince you that you do not need help, or that you aren't worthy enough to get it.  The eating disorder uses this comment as a way to downplay symptoms, keeping you sick. It does not have your long-term health in mind. Remember, recovery is not a comparison, and you definitely don't need to be on death's door step before getting help.  Again, as all groups are different, and may be geared specifically for different stages of recovery, connect with its facilitator to see if it would be a good fit. Get all the facts, don't just rule it out automatically as it could end up being very beneficial. 

2) What If I'm the Biggest One There?

This could be true, however, does not disqualify or make you unworthy to join. Size doesn't make one person worthier in getting help than someone else.  I can't tell you how often I have heard individuals of all sizes listen and support one another as they shame many of the same struggles.  Don't be the one discriminating against yourself because of your size, and don't automatically assume you will be judged for it either. 

3) I Failed In My Eating Disorder

All eating disorders have physical, emotional, psychological, social and spiritual risks and consequences. One form of eating disorder is not better than another. If you find yourself thinking this, check your motivation to see if it is driven by your eating disorder. It is not a comparison. Again, allow yourself to get the help you need! 

4) People Are Going To Judge Me

Maybe, however, this is why facilitators are present... It is their job to make the group as safe as possible. We also live in a world where people do judge. It is inevitable in life to not experience it at some point. Part of recovery is learning to let go of what other people think of you. Stand tall knowing you are doing what you need to do to be, and stay, well. Sometimes, judgement comes from a lack of understanding and/or fear, which has more to do with them than it does you. Don't let their journey in this get in the way of yours. There is nothing wrong with getting help!

5) I Don't Want Anyone To Know I Go

The only people who will know that you are going to group are: 

- those who are also in group (facilitators included)

- those you tell

- and maybe those who see you come into the office/building (a stretch) 

An important part in creating safety within group is confidentiality. As a therapist, I am bound by this (unless there is harm to self, harm to others, if my records were subpoenaed, abuse of a minor, abuse by another professional). The importance of maintaining confidentiality (around who you see and what you hear) is stressed amongst the group.  Likely, you aren't the only one who has concerns around confidentiality, making others just as likely to respect yours as you would theirs. I do want to add that I won't judge either. We all need help and support in life... and there is NO shame in that!

Challenge Yourself!

For many people, when something is new or unknown, there can be an element of fear attached to it.  This often goes away after awhile though. Like most things, the more you expose yourself to it, the easier it gets. Groups are a great way to practice strengthening social skill, assertiveness, boundaries, as well as getting peer support. Just like everyone else in the room, you bring an important prospective and opinion that could be helpful for those around you, and them you.  And, as always, the more you challenge and throw yourself into the group, the more you will get out of it! 

Practicing Gratitude

One summer, my mom and I decided we would start  practicing gratitude together.  I was working in a different province at the time, so we would exchange our pieces of gratitude over the phone, e-mail or snail mail. It was helpful to have someone accountable to share the pieces of my day/week with that made me thankful.  I agreed to embark on this adventure with her, which meant I had to start actively  paying attention to what I was thankful for.

One piece of gratitude I'll never forget occurred when I was driving to work one morning.  As I turned the corner to drive up the last hill before work, I noticed someone had peeled up the yellow dividing line and created  a huge smiley face right in the centre of the road. Upon inquiry with the usual suspects (teenage coworkers who lived a few blocks over), told me they peeled the yellow lines off the asphalt just after it was placed down by city workers the night before and made a smiley face from it*.  I'm sure if you tried hard to scowl at it, you could... but it was simply too hard not to be overcome by a smile as you ran passed it. 

I get this same feeling when I drive down Hwy 24 from Cambridge to Guelph, ON.  For years I've wanted to thank the farmer who, year after year, continues to cut into his field a huge smiley face for all to see who pass by. I don't know why he does it, but I am thankful he does... I can't imagine I am the only one. 

Of course, it's easy to practice gratitude when life is going well.  It's when life gets rough or when recovery seems exhausting that it becomes more difficult to see pockets of thankfulness. I urge you, however, to find them... because they are there. It can be as simple as being thankful for the way the sun is shinning that day... or you hear a song you like on the radio.  It doesn't have to be a big event or exude the purest form of joy you have ever felt... it just has to be something that makes life a little more tolerable than it did before it occurred. The more you do it, the easier it becomes...

So... when your right eye is watering and it's driving you nuts... be thankful that you have another eye that is working as it should (this was me two weeks ago!). When you are sitting in front of a meal that is triggering, be thankful that the plate it is on is clean. If you're in an inpatient program and you're missing school, maybe there's a sense of thankfulness that your room has a window. There's always something... it's there. Will you allow yourself to see it?

*I do not condone this act and recognize it is illegal... it still makes me smile though :)

Changing The Recording

I had an interesting conversation with a man in a bookstore the other day. He was talking to me about meditation and how he recently taught a class on mindfulness  to a group of mental health professionals who ate it up.  He had done so over a decade ago, but did not get an engaging response. It was thought to be too 'new age-y'. As we walked over to a section that had books on this subject, he said (and I paraphrase), "I'm not trying to turn people into Buddhists or anything. I just think the concepts are important and helpful. If you tell yourself you're stupid all day, you are bound to believe it. If you change the message to something more positive, it will have the same effect". He showed me some books, and some simple mantras, similar to "I am worthy, I am loved". 

I agree.  I spend a good chunk of time with clients helping  them to reframe their thoughts that keep them stuck from moving towards a healthier state of mental health.  We do so by identifying destructive thinking, such as all or none, black and white, assumptions, catastrophizing, etc. and replacing it with a counter statement. So, the negative thought of, "I'm a failure" could be reframed as "I'm doing the best I can" or "I'm more than the sum of my mistakes", etc.  

Scientifically, we can create and strengthen new neural pathways in our brains. If you constantly think negatively, these neural pathways stay stronger as they are used more often.  Think about walking in a forest... walk the same route for years and a path will form. When you try to walk a new route, it takes more effort as it's not ingrained as the old path. With time, however, the old path will grow over as it's not used as much, and the new path will become more entrenched.  You brain is similar. The more you switch your thinking, these neural pathways will be easily accessible. 

It's important to practice thinking positively continuously throughout the day... even when you aren't in a negative mood. This way, when your thoughts turn south, trying to implement changes in thinking will come easier because you've done it before. It's like practicing how to change a spare tire before you ever get a flat. 

How to help yourself with thinking positively? The following may help...:

- once a day, write something positive about yourself or that you are thankful for. Don't write down anything you don't believe and it's okay to start small. If the only thing you are thankful for is that your eyelids are able to shut in order for you to go to sleep at night, great! It's a start! 

- put pictures or quotes on your wall that inspires and motivates. Sometimes when we're stuck in negative thinking, it's easy to forget the things you like about yourself or why you're fighting for recovery. Having them up on your wall is a visual reminder in time of need. 

- in a lurch and out of the house? Have positive affirmations on your phone for you to look at

- ask a friend to tell you what they like about you (staying away from commenting on your body and more about who you are) 

- listen to music that contains positive lyrics... a catchy tune is a catchy tune... might as well get a positive song stuck in your head than one that brings you down 

What have you done that has helped challenge your negative thinking? How will you intentionally create change this week?

EDAW 2015 Recap

2015 has definitely been busy thus far.  With the office move,  gearing up for Eating Disorder Awareness Week, and having Emily McGratten here to lay out the second part of wiTHIN, there hasn't been much of a moment to sit down and write (or actually finish) a blog post! 

Eating Disorder Fair at the University of Guelph (Jan. 28th, 2015)

Being in a different location this year (not by choice) reduced the amount of traffic coming to and from the event, although, those that came by were curious and engaging. In some ways, the smaller space brought a more intimate feel to the event, which was nice. Above is Emily (the illustrator of wiTHIN) and I, showing off panels from wiTHIN as well as an opportunity for individuals to create their own comic on health and wellness. Other booths included organizations, both on an off campus, who work with eating disorders or body image issues, such as Homewood Health Centre, the Wellness Education Centre, Canadian Mental Health Association (formerly Trellis), Women in Crisis and so on. 

Faces of Recovery by the Wellington-Dufferin-Guelph Eating Disorders Coalition (Feb. 4, 2015)

Another great turn out despite the snow that always seems to land on this event's date. A panel of 5 speakers spoke intimately about their journey of being in recovery from an eating disorder or being a support person of someone in recovery. It is always an encouragement to hear individuals speak so honestly about the ups and downs of recovery... one that often isn't pretty at times, but a profound growing experience enriching their lives in a way never expected. Below is another picture of Emily and I at our booth. Similar booths who were at the Eating Disorder Fair were there, in addition to information on the family and friends support group through CMHA. 

Journey to Recovery put on by the Woodstock and Area Community Health Centre

Another intimate event that included both individuals speaking about their recovery as well as professionals working in the field. Those involved in the eating disorder community in Woodstock have a contagious passion for developing greater awareness and support for both individuals and family members who are battling this illness. It is always a pleasure advocating alongside them! Unfortunately, I was too caught up in the night that I failed to capture a picture. So.. you'll just have to take my word that it was a great night filled with passion, enthusiasm and hope. 

Now that Eating Disorder Awareness Week is over, let's keep the need for ongoing awareness and change alive.  Let's keep fighting back against 'fat talk' and/or misconceptions around eating disorders and mental health in general. Let's continue to promote health at every size, diversity and health/wellness. Let's continue to critically think against fad diets or whatever 'ideal' our culture is trying to sell us at a cost to manipulating our bodies and increasing risks in health. Let's continue to bring this issue up politically, fighting for more resources to help those in need. Each of us can do our part. Small changes can have big impacts over time! What will you commit to doing?