Coping with COVID-19

It’s the weekend. I look outside my window and there aren’t any cars on the street. There should be cars on this street. Lots of them. A lot has happened in the last two weeks that has greatly impacted how we live our lives. From how we shop to if and where we go to work. Then, there’s the mandatory quarantines for travellers and social distancing regulations. There isn’t much else on the news other than information regarding COVID-19. It’s been a lot to digest on all levels. Here are a few reminders to help cope during this time.  

#1 Give Space for Emotions

It’s okay to feel what you feel right now. Fear, anger, disappointment, gratitude, sadness, interest, relief, anticipation, sorrow, guilt, happiness - it’s all okay! Remember, we have never been through something like this in our lifetime and with information coming at us as quickly as it has been, it’s hard to keep up. It can feel like a cognitive and emotional roller-coaster. Give space for your emotions. It takes up too much energy not too. 

#2 Control What You Can 

Remember January’s post on Mine, Your’s and God’s Business? It’s a great time to apply this concept.  We only have control over our own actions. We can’t make people wash their hands or obey quarantine rules, nor can we control the fact the virus exists. We can control, however, if and for how long we wash our own hands (20 seconds with soap) and how we practice social distancing. It will drive you bonkers trying to control what other people are or aren’t doing. Focusing on what you can builds a sense of control versus helplessness or hopelessness. 

#3 Loving Kindness Meditation 

February’s post also comes in handy right now. Take some time throughout each day to stop and say a prayer/meditation on loving kindness for yourself, someone you love, an acquaintance, someone you have conflict with and the population as a whole. I, especially, like this last point as we are truly in this together right now. May we be happy, may we be well. 

Doing something kind for someone else can also make one feel good.  It’s a great way of turning outward versus focusing on one’s own experiences. Get creative! There are many opportunities (big and small) to pass on kindness. 

#4 Basic Needs

Remember your 5 basic needs - physical, social, emotional, spiritual and mental? Whether you’re an essential service worker, working from home or currently unemployed, find ways to get these needs met. It’s critical for maintaining health and wellness in the long run. It might look different from how you would have met them before the pandemic, although you might be surprised by the welcomed change. Create some sort of schedule and routine as it can bring about normalcy and comfort. 

#5 Living with Risk and Uncertainty 

Living with OCD, I’ve had to learn to accept and tolerate risk and uncertainty in my life. It is an ongoing concept I have to practice. As much as I want concrete answers and timelines right now, I have to tolerate that I might not get them. Life requires me to engage with risk and uncertainty, otherwise there’s a hazard of becoming immobilized and isolated. I can do what I can to follow protocols and procedures that are put in place to reduce risk. After that, the rest is out of my hands. I have to let go. What will happen will happen (there’s our good DBT friend radical acceptance again).  

I end with the reminder that nothing lasts forever. Life is constantly changing and evolving. I don’t know what the future holds, however it won’t always look like how it does now. Feel what you feel, control what you can, say a prayer or meditation and meet your needs while you live amongst the risks and uncertainties that today and tomorrow brings. Look for the many positives and moments that make you smile. They still exist, it just might look a little different than what you were used to. 

Thinking of you all, keep well. 

Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2019

It’s Eating Disorders Awareness Week (EDAW). And, as a result, a lot of emotions come up. I write because I want to make room for all of it. The pain, the sadness, the passion, the determination, the guilt, the shame, the excitement, the envy, the nervousness, the encouragement, the hope, the fear, the pride… Whatever the emotion, it’s all okay and there’s a place for it within (and outside of) this week. Why? Because, that’s a huge piece of what recovery is all about. Awareness and acceptance. Realizing you are where you are and you’re doing the best that you can (while also maybe being able to do better). That where you were last (EDAW) is not a testament of where you’ll be this year or where you’ll be in ten years. It’s just where you are now. Maybe you (or your loved one) is struggling this year whereas last year you were leading the fight. Maybe you’ve recently decided to give recovery a shot or maybe you’ve taken a break on the mountain of recovery. Wherever you are, you matter. Your life, your voice, your experience, it matters and it’s an important piece of this week. It’s all part of the recovery journey. And, it’s messy and raw. It’s filled with moments of incredibly joy while also moments of deep sorrow and grief. 

This year, I encourage everyone to take stalk of what their needs during the week and to act in a way that practices self-care and compassion. Perhaps, it means saying,“No” to an event here or there versus trying to catch them all (check out NEDIC or the WWEDC for EDAW events near you). Maybe it means practicing opposite action by going to an event, challenging the shame that says you “can’t” because you’re struggling. Reflect on the emotions that get invoked this week and talk about them, if you can, with a friend, with a therapist, with a nurse, with a co-patient, with a family member.  And, if you can’t, notice that. Register that there’s something that’s getting in the way of that versus ignoring it. Maybe, a time will come where you will want to reach out. And, if there’s one thing that is evident about this week, there is a lot of people (professionally and non-professionally) who want to journey along side you regardless of where you are in your recovery. To spread (and at times hold) the hope that there is life in recovery from an eating disorder. 

"Rules" First, Then Flexibility

A disclaimer that the first bit of this post does talk about faith and religion. If reading about religion bothers you, replace religion/faith with academia/school as the concept will still apply. 

Years ago, someone once told me, “every now and then, you need to empty out your religious cup to figure out what you need to put back into it”. Essentially, not everything one learns will continue to have meaning, apply, or hold true as time goes by and one matures in their faith or understanding. Many people have a tendency to throw the baby out with the bath water. Take the time, do the work, to sort out what is important to intentionally take with you.

Fast forward to this past summer. I found myself having a conversation with someone about my frustrations of black and white thinking that religion can sometimes bring, and did bring for many years of my life. They then reminded me that one cannot simply be in the grey right off the bat.  There’s a need to learn the “rules” first. Then, after having a good foundation, one can learn to sift through the complexities of life, which will ultimately challenge rigid thinking. This made sense. 

Another way to think about it is thinking about our school experiences growing up. We start off in elementary school.  Then, we graduate and go into high school to build off what we’ve learned in the years prior. Some continue to post secondary education where critical thinking is fostered and encouraged, and an even more in-depth study and diversification on subject matters occurs. Each stages of learning builds off the learnings prior. You can’t go on to do quadratic equations without first knowing about the rules of addition or multiplication, right? Right!

Recovery is similar. There is a learning (or re-learning) that must occur around building a healthier relationship with food, weight, exercise, relationships, body-image, family dynamics, coping mechanisms, and so on. This period is important, and the specifics around implementation can look different amongst individuals. There is, however, life past the intense treatment regiments that are often needed to help you get back on track. It’s hard to learn how to be flexibility when building a foundation for recovery when the eating disorders is quite sneaky and slippery, never mind sorting out who’s motivation/values/thoughts is who’s, etc.

In faith, recovery, and many other facets of how this concept can apply, people can stay stuck in the early teachings and rules. There is a degree of freedom there. I don’t want to deny that. My early days/years of recovery, and the periods where I needed to be particular about what and how I ate were way better and more flexible than when I was in the throws of my eating disorder. There is, however, greater freedom past this. Sometimes, there is a need to return to the foundational pieces, and that’s okay too! Recovery, faith, life are not linear experiences. Everyday we make decisions that either move us towards or away the values we hold within these experiences. As scary as it can be to dip your toe into the unknown or flexibilities of greys, it can also be rewarding (remember, both things can be equally true!)

Take a second to think about where you could or would like to grow in your recovery (or faith). Then, try talking to your therapist about what you could do or how you could experiment with getting to know the greys. 

Shark Music - Being Aware of Our Past So We Can Be Present in Our Present

Someone recently told me about Shark Music. You know, like the music in Jaws? We all have it...that background noise that clouds or shapes our present, stemming from experiences/issues in the past. Check out this video about we can be aware of our shark music while still being present and attuned to those around us in the now. 

Living Spherically

   “You have to live spherically - in many directions. Never lose your childish enthusiasm - and things will come your way.” 

- Federico Fellini

I put on "Under the Tuscan Sun" last night. I was looking for something inspiring and light. TV has been irritating me lately. It seems that every popular show or new release is so heavy in content or linked with issues that can be traumatizing (or re-traumatizing). I'm not saying that someone can't be triggered by this movie, because they can. There is a reason, after all, as to why she ends up in Tuscany.  

One day, this whimsical woman enters the main characters life and shares the above quote. I'm immediately drawn to it. I think it fits nicely with what I tell clients. To be mindful about how they meet their physical, social, emotional, leisure, spiritual and mental needs. The importance of not overloading one area, neglecting the others. A sense of balance, while remembering balance isn't always allocating the same amount of time to each need. Life doesn't deplete our resources so neatly, after all.

I like the idea of growing in many directions. My mind leaps to another movie, "Centre Stage" (perhaps, some of you are starting to judge me on my flick choices... fear not, I'm well rounded!). In this movie, one of the main characters finds herself struggling at a prestigious ballet school. She was surprised by this as she had trained her whole life as a ballerina. It wasn't until she tried different dance styles, grew in different directions, that she was able to move forward as a dancer. 

This makes me reflect on issues around identity. Sometimes, we get so tied into thinking of ourselves in only one way or in one particular light. You know, "the wife", "the student", "the jock", "the golden child", "the hockey player", "the smart one", "the pretty one",  "the sick one", etc. We are so so so much more than just any one of these labels, parts or identities. For many, it can get scary when these labels get challenged or end, especially if that's the only thing they've associated with or tended to in their lives. Can you guess what movies I'm thinking of now? You nailed it, "The Breakfast Club".

Then, this last part of the quote, "to never lose your childish enthusiasm". "Hook" comes to mind. Come on old man Peter Pan, use your imagination. Believe! The food doesn't have to be so grey... you can fly!  Yes, we have responsibilities in life. Yes, sometimes we have to make grown up decisions, which mean we don't get to stay out late playing in the creek. Let's just make sure we are still playing in that creek. Let's make sure we see humour in things and be silly from time to time versus always being paralyzed by making the "right decisions". 

Things will come your way. Yup. Sometimes. And, sometimes, we will still experience pain. It's not all or nothing. It might just make life a little more enjoyable if we are living a little more spherically and childishly. Sounds better than being one dimensional and rigid, no?

Trees, Lakes, Leaves and Dirt - Symbolism in Nature to Recovery and Wellness

Having grown up surrounded by vast forests on the shores of Lake Superior, the beauty and power of nature has always been a part of my life. Admittedly, one I took for granted. I often feel land locked since moving to Guelph, although make do by enjoying the rivers that run through it and/or by visiting various trails that surround it.  

In between my undergraduate degree and my masters, I took some courses in horticultural therapy*, taught by Guelph’s own, Mitchel Hewson. Having had a taste of horticultural therapy years before, knowing I was going to become a psychotherapist after my masters and my love of nature, it seemed like a good fit. I love, regardless of whatever the season, there are things we can take away from nature, applying them to recovery and/or health and wellness. 

Sometimes, we have to go through trauma in order to grow. There are some trees, such as the Jack Pine or Aspen, that require fire in order for the resin on its pinecones to melt and open. Only after this can its seeds emerge. Now, I’m not saying, we should go out and burn down all the forests for this to happen.  What I am saying, through the process of something initially thought as devastating, there can be benefits. Life teaches us lessons through various means. They don’t all occur after trauma, but some do. I often wonder if I would have learned about boundaries and assertiveness or the benefits of challenging distorted thinking at the age that I did without having gotten sick. Of course these skills can be taught/learned without trauma, but for some, it acts as a catalyst for growth.

We need to fertilize and water the soil in order for plants to thrive.  I have a few plants, mostly in my office, that are in desperate need of fertilizer and nutrients. The leaves are dry and droopy, and the green isn't as rich as it can or has been. Just like plants, we too need to feed and water ourselves if we want to grow. We can do this by literally nourishing our body’s physical needs with food and water.  We also have emotional, mental, social and spiritual needs tend to as well. Check out the post on self-care to learn more about meeting your 5 basic needs.

Bloom where you are planted… and when necessary relocate. The plants in my life are surviving… but they aren’t flourishing. The short winter hours and direction of sunlight are not optimal growth conditions. I know if I changed these conditions, it would thrive. I do think there is truth to trying to bloom where one is planted, and sometimes, you’ll do better if you relocate. I remember when I was in treatment, my friend sent me a quote: “Bloom where you are planted” (various sources cited). I get what she was trying to tell me: make the best of where you are right now, I know it’s tough, but it’s possible to flourish there.  She was right. I could have dug my heels in and resisted treatment, or I could use that opportunity to grow. And, I did. But, there came a point where if I wanted to keep growing, I needed to leave. 

Pruning required. Some trees require pruning for optimal fruit growth to occur. Otherwise, the tree will expend too much energy and nutrients in trying to feed all of its blooms and branches versus making a shorter distance to fewer branches. Sometimes it's fruit yield and quality suffers. We all do things that aren’t in our best growth interest. And, sometimes we do things that completely hinder growth. It's important, in the early stages of treatment, to focus on what solidifies recovery and builds a sturdy foundation. It's extremely difficult to prioritize this if there are 50 other demands requiring one's attention. There's only so much one can do before something gives. As your recovery/health/wellness strengthens, it's possible to take on more, however regardless of where you are in recovery, it's always good to take stock of where your resources are going and if its producing what you want. 

Plant near other trees.  As a kid, we had cherry trees growing in the back yard. The type of cherry tree we had required other cherry trees to be near by so they could pollinate each other. We too need one another for support and growth. We aren’t islands and don’t do well in isolation. Some need a lot of contact and stimulation from others to thrive, while others do better in smaller doses. One is not more right than the other. What's important is knowing and building the type of community that promotes and maintains growth.

*For more on horticultural therapy, check out: "Horticulture as Therapy" by Mitchel Hewson. 

Just Jump - Moving Towards Our Goals

I was watching a show the other night where contestants had to make their way through an obstacle course. One contestant found himself at the top of an obstacle, needing to jump across it in order to continue on. Simple enough right? Just jump? Worst case scenario, he doesn't clear the jump and lands in some water, foam or some other soft landing.  Yet, he couldn't do it.  He would reach out in preparation to lunge himself forward, then put his hands down as he decided on another approach. He'd do a squat, stand up, do another squat and so on. Up and down, step forward step back. He was mentally and physically stuck. And the longer he rethought his strategy, the harder it seemed for him to move forward. He eventually timed out.  

We have all been there.  We pass up an opportunity to go on a trip we've always wanted to go on, or we tell ourselves it's too late to learn a new skill or take part in a class of some sort. So, What can we do to help us move forward in reaching our goals or passions. How do we move past the fear?

Be Intentional and Act. Life has a way of passing us by and there are a lot of demands that bid one's attention. Set some time aside to think about what you want and what's getting in the way of moving towards it.  In making these goals, don't forget to make them S.M.A.R.T. to increase their likelihood of fulfillment. Then, make a point of taking the next steps towards meeting your goal. Don't just think about it, do. Even setting 5 minutes out of your day to work on your goal is better than nothing! Just start!

Make a list of what you want to do and break it down. There is nothing too big or too small that can't go on this list. Write it down. Some things may take longer to complete than others. That's okay! In the beginning, try knocking off some of the easier goals to help build confidence, experience and momentum.

Once you've picked something, break down the steps of what needs to happen for your goal to reach fruition. Want to learn how to swim? A sub-goal might be calling your local pool to see when they offer lessons. You won't have to do this for every goal you want to accomplish (sometimes it's helpful to just jump in), however other times, it might make the larger goal more manageable. It can also help you stay on track!

Recognize Your Emotion. It's okay that the goal or desire may bring up some fear, trepidation or some other feeling. Fear doesn't mean we shouldn't do something. Emotions aren't the only one who has access to the drivers seat. There's difference between being overcome by your emotions and acknowledging their presence. Remember to balance your emotions (and sometimes distance or defuse them) by focusing on your values and/or rational (wise mind).  

Take stock of your thoughts. Take a step back and check in to see if your thoughts are in line with your goals/passions/values. Challenge those thoughts that tell you you are too old or that it is too late. Also, watch out for those self-fulfilling prophecies. If you tell yourself you can't do pottery, you likely won't sign up for it, and you still will not have learnt how to make it. 

Replace "No" and "I Can't" with "Yes" and "I'll Give It a Try".  Pick a day to intentionally make an effort to saying 'yes' to things you would have typically said 'no' to. Have that as your goal for the day or week. See where that takes you. As always, safety is a priority. Common sense still applies. Unsure of what to say 'yes' to? Check it out with a therapist or trusted friend.  

Build Accountability.   Choose a few people you trust and tell them about your plans/goals. Learn which supports will encourage you versus those who tend to project their fears onto you. Think about what role you would like your supports to be. Need someone to accompany you? Would it be helpful to have someone check in on your progress every now and then? Maybe it's just helpful running your goals by someone else. 

Don't Expect Perfectionism, Embrace the Process. You might completely bomb in your attempt and steps towards reaching you goal. That's okay! We can't be good at everything we do and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't use this experience as a reason to stop trying new things or to feed into your negative self-perception. Re-frame the experience and move forward in a more positive light! 

What are your goals? What do you want to do next? Come on... let's start doing them!

Lessons on Self-Worth

There are those moments in life that stop you in your tracks and make you reflect. These moments often revolve around, although are not limited to, tragedy. I found myself in such an experience recently that made me reflect back to a time in my life when someone showed me kindness. Back then, I had a difficult time being able to show this to myself, let alone accept it from anyone else. When you struggle with low self-worth, it’s hard to understand or comprehend why on earth someone would go out of their way or do the unexpected for you. In this particular situation, the act of kindness came in the form of a black zip-up hoodie that was bought for me by a colleague, who left it for me for the next time I came to work. There were no-strings attached to this purchase. This person wasn’t “into” me. They were literally just being kind and thoughtful. 

I can’t recall, at the time, how I responded. Did I say, “you didn’t need to do this” or “you shouldn’t have”? I can imagine I felt somewhat guilty. I bet I thought how I now owed them to somehow balance or justify the act of kindness versus simply allowing it. I likely didn’t tell them (although, I finally told them this past week, 11 years later), how much it meant to me. How, during this time, my life felt very lonely and isolating. My mental health issues weren’t at their best. 

Now, I find myself in quite a different place. My self-worth is intact and present. How did I get here? Being into self-reflection, by trade and by personal curiosity, I have often thought about this over the years. As future volumes of wiTHIN come out, I do get into more detail regarding this process. In the meantime, here’s a few things that have shaped my journey to self-worth. 

My School and Job: I didn’t always know I wanted to be a therapist. Although, when I figured it out, I knew helping others help themselves also meant I needed to do the same. I’m lucky  that while studying, and now working, I get to talk about skills that foster health and wellbeing every single day… the same things I too need to practice. 

Growing up, I had this one coach who told me they would never ask me to do something they hadn’t had to do themselves or at least weren’t willing to do. I carry this practice with me. It would seem strange if I said to my clients, “believe in yourself, have self-worth’ and yet didn’t share in this same belief.

Therapy: I wouldn’t be where I am without numerous mental health care providers who walked alongside me as I looked, avoided, took a break from, re-looked and worked on my stuff. I needed help to sort through all the distorted thoughts, beliefs and behaviours I had carried with me over the years. I needed to learn and implement (key word) what I was being taught in therapy.  I didn’t get to where I am today overnight. It was a process and I stumbled a lot. I’m still human with insecurities. The difference is, I have a healthier way of dealing with them now, (and in the future) than I did years ago. 

I also needed to learn what my values were. Not what I thought they ‘should’. I needed to figure out what I thought and held dear to me. Then, every day, attempt to live accordingly.

Modelling: Certain professors, therapists, colleagues, friends and mentors all had an influence on helping me realize my self-worth… because they themselves modelled it. I’d catch glimpses of it through their behaviour: how they carried themselves by holding their heads high and looked you in the eye, how they talked assertively, the way they took risks, the way they stood up for themselves and others, they way they implemented boundaries. All these interactions showed me there was another way other than how I was living my life. I then tried to mimic their behaviours. I did what they did in the beginning. 

In time, I had to learn that my self-worth existed outside of these people. That was a hard lesson to learn. It scared me to say good-bye and to not have them in my life the various ways they had been. It took time to realize my self-worth was not dependent on them. I had to learn I could stand tall even if I didn’t hear it from them anymore. I needed to internalize it. I did internalize it.

Saying Good-bye, Welcoming Change: In learning what healthy relationships  and behaviours looked like, both towards myself and others, I had to make changes in my life. There were some relationships I choose to say good-bye to, even if that meant feeling lonely at times. I needed to trust that as I got healthier, I would find healthy people. Sometimes they would fall into my lap, other times I had to take more action to find them. I also had to say good-bye to behaviours and lifestyle choices that did not foster self-worth. Whether that was the eating-disorder or other destructive coping mechanisms. 

Learning to Say “Thank You”: In learning to accept my self-worth, I had to stop justifying why it was okay for me to have self-worth. I had to trust that as a human being, I had it. It didn’t matter what sport I did, what my weight was, who my friends were etc. Self-worth existed for the sole fact my heart was beating. No ifs, ands or buts. It just was what it was. And, because it was what it was, I had to stop trying to find a loop hole. I started by just saying “thank you” when other’s showed kindness or gratitude.  

Realizing and Trusting Self-Worth Feels Better Than the Alternative: There comes a point when you have to do something different, because what you have been doing just doesn’t work any more. Building healthy relationships, getting enough sleep, eating properly, taking the time to self-care, using skills etc. feels so much better than when I don’t. It doesn’t mean there isn’t pain, hurt and tragedy in life, but I now don’t need to add to it by believing I suck, or that I can never change. It feels good to know people love me and to be able to accept it (boundaries still apply). I had to trust this feeling. And, in the beginning, it felt weird, strange and unfamiliar. Like most things, the more you expose yourself to it, the more you become accustomed to it… the more you can own it.