Coping with COVID-19

It’s the weekend. I look outside my window and there aren’t any cars on the street. There should be cars on this street. Lots of them. A lot has happened in the last two weeks that has greatly impacted how we live our lives. From how we shop to if and where we go to work. Then, there’s the mandatory quarantines for travellers and social distancing regulations. There isn’t much else on the news other than information regarding COVID-19. It’s been a lot to digest on all levels. Here are a few reminders to help cope during this time.  

#1 Give Space for Emotions

It’s okay to feel what you feel right now. Fear, anger, disappointment, gratitude, sadness, interest, relief, anticipation, sorrow, guilt, happiness - it’s all okay! Remember, we have never been through something like this in our lifetime and with information coming at us as quickly as it has been, it’s hard to keep up. It can feel like a cognitive and emotional roller-coaster. Give space for your emotions. It takes up too much energy not too. 

#2 Control What You Can 

Remember January’s post on Mine, Your’s and God’s Business? It’s a great time to apply this concept.  We only have control over our own actions. We can’t make people wash their hands or obey quarantine rules, nor can we control the fact the virus exists. We can control, however, if and for how long we wash our own hands (20 seconds with soap) and how we practice social distancing. It will drive you bonkers trying to control what other people are or aren’t doing. Focusing on what you can builds a sense of control versus helplessness or hopelessness. 

#3 Loving Kindness Meditation 

February’s post also comes in handy right now. Take some time throughout each day to stop and say a prayer/meditation on loving kindness for yourself, someone you love, an acquaintance, someone you have conflict with and the population as a whole. I, especially, like this last point as we are truly in this together right now. May we be happy, may we be well. 

Doing something kind for someone else can also make one feel good.  It’s a great way of turning outward versus focusing on one’s own experiences. Get creative! There are many opportunities (big and small) to pass on kindness. 

#4 Basic Needs

Remember your 5 basic needs - physical, social, emotional, spiritual and mental? Whether you’re an essential service worker, working from home or currently unemployed, find ways to get these needs met. It’s critical for maintaining health and wellness in the long run. It might look different from how you would have met them before the pandemic, although you might be surprised by the welcomed change. Create some sort of schedule and routine as it can bring about normalcy and comfort. 

#5 Living with Risk and Uncertainty 

Living with OCD, I’ve had to learn to accept and tolerate risk and uncertainty in my life. It is an ongoing concept I have to practice. As much as I want concrete answers and timelines right now, I have to tolerate that I might not get them. Life requires me to engage with risk and uncertainty, otherwise there’s a hazard of becoming immobilized and isolated. I can do what I can to follow protocols and procedures that are put in place to reduce risk. After that, the rest is out of my hands. I have to let go. What will happen will happen (there’s our good DBT friend radical acceptance again).  

I end with the reminder that nothing lasts forever. Life is constantly changing and evolving. I don’t know what the future holds, however it won’t always look like how it does now. Feel what you feel, control what you can, say a prayer or meditation and meet your needs while you live amongst the risks and uncertainties that today and tomorrow brings. Look for the many positives and moments that make you smile. They still exist, it just might look a little different than what you were used to. 

Thinking of you all, keep well. 

I Gotta Get This Post Up - Taking Time to Rest

I’m currently sitting in a café. I’m a few paragraphs in on a piece about the importance of critical thinking and learning to find one’s voice when my thoughts start wandering. If I’m honest, they’ve been wandering for awhile. I notice annoyance emerge as well as anxiety about the possibility that I might not have anything to post by my self-imposed deadline. I welcome any distraction that comes my way - a text, social media, drinking my coffee, people watching, the falling snow, writing on another project. I should be productive during this time. It’s my time to use however I want, and I want to be using it for writing because I know the rest of my week will contain little time for it. I’m tired. Actually, I’m really, really tired. I’m frustrated that my energy doesn’t align with my free time. Yet, this is my reality. 

I recall a few skills I could use. From Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, I can apply radical acceptance. After all, it is what it is; I’m tired in my free time because I’m tired in my free time; my thoughts are wandering because my thoughts are wandering. There’s freedom in acceptance. I notice a slight lightening in my body and chest when I lean into acceptance versus trying to fight against it. If I don’t get a post up in time, I don’t get a post up in time. 

The next skill I can practice is self-compassion and a little Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I can remind myself that it’s okay that I might miss my deadline even though I don’t want to. I can soothe my anxious thoughts and frustrations with warmhearted words - my worth is  defined by much more than meeting deadlines. I could take a few minutes to do a guided loving kindness meditation if I can’t come up these words on my own. 

I can also listen to my body and rest. I recently saw a post on social media on nine forms of rest. It confirms what a new mom once said to me, “rest doesn’t always mean sleep”. It can take the form of doing something unproductive or  taking a break from responsibility. Sometimes I’m surprised how much my energy levels and clarity improve by simply taking 30 minutes to watch a T.V. show or go for a walk around the block. 

Another option is to switch gears and write about something totally different, or come back to this task at another time. It can help to be flexible, a skill I continually need to practice. No one is making me do this, I choose to write because I enjoy it and find it therapeutic. While I think it’s important to foster critical thinking skills, I can come back to that post when the mood, inspiration and energy level return for the themes of that piece. I also give myself permission to not write at all right now if I so choose. 

On that note, I’m going to end this post. Before I do, I invite you to practice some radical acceptance, self-compassion, rest and flexibility when energy levels are low, rigidity is high and the inner critic is rearing its head. What do you do in times to manage self-imposed (or other imposed) deadlines and goals that don’t meet up with energy levels or interest? How do you rest? 

The Freedom of Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance is a skill found within DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). It helps one in becoming more mindful as well as how to tolerating distress. A tough skill to master, but ever so freeing the more it takes a hold in one’s life. Radical acceptance is learning to see a situation for what it is, and not judge it. To look back and acknowledge all the steps, decisions and explanations as to why you are where you are in this moment. Common phrases include, “it is what it is”, “I’ll know when I know” or “I’ll worry when I have something to worry about”.

Let me paint you a few examples:

A few years ago, I took part in an international ringette tournament in Europe and Scandinavia. I was travelling with close to 40-50 other teammates, coaches and parents. We got off the plan to find out that the bus that was supposed to transport us and all our luggage and equipment was too small. A combination of people being tired and competing personalities broke out in trying to herd everyone on the bus and arrange the luggage. I grabbed a seat, sat back and observed everything that was occurring, as were some others. There was a mash up of anger, annoyance and frustration, as suggestions as to how they thought the problem could get fixed swirled in and around the bus. Comments like, “why doesn’t the company just send another bus, how unprofessional”, “maybe if “X” just sat down instead of trying to help, we’d actually get going”, or ‘“Y”’ doesn’t know what they’re talking. This is so ridiculous.” Calmness ensued when I finally realized, “it is what it is, there’s nothing I can do or say in this situation to make it any better. Instead of getting worked up about it, I’ll just accept the fact they’re sorting it out regardless of my opinions about it. We’ll start moving when we start moving”.  Of course I wanted to get to our hotel room and go to sleep. Of course I didn’t want the situation to be handled the way it was handled. Of course I wished the bus had just been big enough for us all to fit right from the beginning. However, this wasn’t the case. It simply was what it was, and I didn’t have to be out of sorts because of it.

Here’s another example. Earlier this year, I was driving back on the 401 to Guelph. My horseback riding lesson ran late, and there was traffic. I was getting worked up and anxious about the very real possibility I might be late for work. I was blaming myself, my lesson, the traffic, and on and on. Then… BAM… I caught myself and remembered radical acceptance. I tried to understand all the factors that occurred that resulted in the position I was in.

-          I was late in getting to the barn, meaning the start and end of my lesson might have                  been pushed back as well

-          we were jumping and cantering  in the lesson and my horse got sweaty

-          he hadn’t been shaved recently, so was extra hot

-          I had to walk the horse around the barn numerous times to cool off before I brushed                  him, put his coat on and put him out to the field. Normally, a brush would have been                  sufficient for him to dry and cool off before putting his coat on.

-          construction was on the 401 resulting in backed up cars

I couldn’t deny any of the above. It was what it was. Worrying about being late, or smelling like horse, was not going to somehow stop time and fix everything. It was a wasted effort. I don’t like being late for clients. I don’t like being stuck in traffic. And yet,  it was what it was.

A few years a ago, I struggled with some mental health issues that I simply did not want to accept. My unacceptance of the reality that this was indeed happening, only exasperated my symptoms.  I was struggling with what I was struggling, and by accepting this, I had one less thing to fight against… myself.

Using this skill can help reduce anxiety and create space for opportunities to address situations differently. If we’re so caught up in the thing we don’t want to accept, we rob ourselves of navigating these situations in a less distressing manner. Just because we don’t want to be struggling with mental health issues or aspects of recovery doesn’t mean we won’t. Sure, change the things you can change, and tolerate the things that in this moment you can’t, or ever will.

Give it a try! After all, we can’t control or be thrilled about everything that comes our way!

A Farmer Had a Horse

I came across this fable the other day as I was reading Dr. Jackie Gardner-Nix’s book, The Mindfulness Solution to Pain. The title is the perfect description of the essence of the book. Whether one is experiencing chronic pain or emotional pain, mindfulness has been a proven resource to help manage, tolerate and in many cases reduce pain. What I also appreciated from this read, is that it falls in line with the evidence based therapy for eating disorders, DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). 

Radical acceptance, a skill from DBT, is all about accepting a situation, as it is, without judgment. Stuck in traffic? Getting ticked off and impatient you are not where you want/need to be will not change the reality that you are not moving as fast as you would like. It is what it is. Might as well, in this situation that you can’t change, use another DBT skills: intentionally creating positive experiences. Turn on the radio to your favourite station and rock out (safely of course) while you wait. Did you just binge or engage in an ED symptom? Accept it without judgement. Remind yourself that shame and guilt will only make you further engage in ED symptoms. Accept that it happened, without judgment towards yourself or the situation, and forge on. 

I digress… what I like about radical acceptance, and other DBT skills, is that it encourages one to go with the flow and be more flexible in thinking and behaving, a sign of health and wellness. As the fable will show, and is an important reminder, things may not always be what they seem, nor have the costs or benefits initially mourned or celebrated. Therefore, take each moment as it is and not get ahead of ourselves. 

Check it out:

“A farmer had a horse. One day, his horse ran away.

All the neighbours came by saying, “I’m so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.” The man just said, “We’ll see.”

A few days later, his horse came back with twenty wild horses. The man and his son corralled all 21 horses.

All the neighbours came by saying, “Congratulations! This is such good news. You must be so happy!” The man just said, “We’ll see.”

One of the wild horses kicked the man’s only son, breaking both his legs.

All the neighbours came by saying, “I’m so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.” The man just said, “We’ll see.”

The country went to war, and every able-bodied young man was drafted to fight. The war was terrible and killed every young man, but the farmer’s son was spared, since his broken legs prevented him from being drafted.

All the neighbours came by saying, “Congratulations! This is such good news. You must be so happy!” The man just said, “We’ll see.”’

- Unknown