I recently learned a concept that has helped with understanding and implementing assertiveness and boundaries, as well as decreasing anxiety and frustration around attempting to change things we have no control over. It’s called, “The Three Types of Business”, by Byron Katie.

Essentially, there are three types of business: God’s, your’s (other’s) and mine. If you don’t believe in God, think of it as something bigger than or outside of humanity. God’s business includes things humanity does not have control over, such as, your height, physicality, what era and family you were born into, the weather, sickness, life or death. Your/other’s business is how other people choose to make sense of their life story. This includes their actions, behaviour, beliefs and political stance. My business is similar to your business however pertains to myself. So, how I make sense of my world, deal with my issues, my spiritual and politics stance. We often get upset/frustrated/annoyed when we try to control God’s and the business of other people.

Here is an example. As I write this, snow is blowing horizontally across my window, visibility is low as is the contrast of the outside world which has only shades of white and grey present. It looks cold and icy out. I’m aware that I’m a little annoyed and disappointed with myself that I didn’t buy chocolate chips and milk when I was at the store yesterday. I will have to brave the elements later today if I want to make muffins tomorrow. The stores will be closed tomorrow for a holiday. I think about having to drive, distrusting other people’s driving abilities in weather like this. I take pride in coming form the North where snowy weather is the norm. The fact that stores are always busy before a holiday also results in poor parking lot etiquette. I smirk a little thinking back to a time when someone passive-aggressively drove by me and said, “dip-shit” as I was walking across the pedestrian cross walk of a parking lot. It had been a very long time since I had heard that expression.

Here’s what I don’t have and what I do have control over in the above situation. I have zero control over the fact it’s a stormy winter day out, that it’s the eve of a holiday, that I live in an era and city where cars, big chain grocery stores and parking lots exist versus small town shops or horse and buggies. Nor, do I have control in how other people drive or the expressions they use to manage their frustrations. I do have control over whether I go to the store, how I get there (by foot or car, sadly I don’t have a horse), what time I go today (peak times or when it’s quieter), and if I respond assertively, passive-aggressively or something neutral.

Now, think about the bigger, harder, more painful issues in life. It can be hard to understand or make sense of sickness, death or trauma. It can feel incredibly frustrating to have people you care about think and behave in a way that is detrimental to their health, happiness and relationships. It is easy to get sucked into thinking one can change people’s opinions or beliefs, or that if you do everything “right" it will somehow avoid the pains of death/illness that is a part of the human condition. Acceptance of only being able to control your own business is an important practice. Remembering this, decreases feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. These situations can still be painful, but engaging and accepting “my business” decreases suffering. It presents a different way to navigate the experience. After all, as much as one might try, want or think they can, one truly can’t make the snow storm stop happening, have certain family members/friends/clients think less destructively, make past traumatic experience somehow not occur or bring back to life someone dearly loved, as much as one would like that to happen. It’s tempting to want to think we can control these things, but we can’t. Thinking we can control everything, but it’s a cognitive fallacy.

Using your voice and actions to manage your own business might not result in other’s respecting or listening to what you are trying to establish. You can’t control what they do with your assertiveness or needs. You can control what you do with their response though. Maybe you choose to not hang out with that person as often, or are more cautious in what you share with them. Maybe you choose to let the issue slide or implement a consequence that’s more drastic. There’s power in acknowledging and advocating for yourself, even if the best case scenario doesn’t occur from doing so.

I invite you to reflect on who’s business you are trying to control. See what happens when you step out of God’s business as well as that of other’s and focus on your own. In some ways, it reflects the serenity prayer - focusing on what you can and can’t change, and the wisdom and empowerment of knowing the difference.

First of all, if you're stepping on a scale... get off it (click here to read why scales aren't a helpful or healthy). Just like the number on the scale isn't an accurate measurement of health, so is it with progress. Pretty counter-cultural right? We've been so brain washed to think that the only thing that matters is how much weight you've gained or lost. Forget the healthy lifestyle... forget the long term change or its sustainability. There is a tendency to solely focus on the number, instead of all the other benefits of working towards a healthier relationship with food, weight, exercise, etc. Whatever the number on the scale, or if you've stopped weighing yourself already, you can still see the benefits of building a healthier lifestyle as the following examples show*:

Emotions - When you get back to eating 3 balanced meals and a few snacks per day, you will likely notice a difference with your emotions/mood. Ever notice when you don't eat enough how you become more agitated than normal? Or, when you've eaten too much, feelings of guilt or shame emerge? A sign of progress is when emotions and food/weight are not so closely linked. In the beginning stages, as you learn to trust normalized eating, set-point, and a healthy exercise routine, you may experience uncomfortable or distressing emotions. By using skills learned in therapy and following a healthy meal plan and exercise routine, you can learn to tolerate and cope with such difficult emotions, if not experience an elevation in mood.

Energy Level & Stamina - Just as mood improves, as does your energy level. By giving your body the proper type and amount of fuel during the day, you will have more energy throughout it. You won't be in a food coma, nor be completely exhausted. You may even notice that you can exercise for longer periods of time, and/or know when to finish so you don't overdue it out of compulsively or 'need'.

Sleep - Sleep can also be interferred with when one does not get the right type and/or amount of food/exercise. You won't wake up to feelings of hunger or indigestion from eating too little or too much of something. You will also get a better quality of sleep when you move your body throughout the day, instead of being immobile. A better quality of sleep is another sign of progress.

Flexibility - Rigidity around food and exercise is quite common in those who struggle with food/weight/exercise issues. A sign of progress is when you catch yourself adjusting to those moments when 'life gets in the way' without having a melt down. You won't follow rules like, "I'll just double up on exercise tomorrow" when the gym closes unexpectedly or if you've eaten more than you wanted at a birthday party. You will experience flexibility mentally and emotionally as you build a healthier lifestyle.

Balance - This is a big one. What I mean by balance is looking at your life holistically, and making sure you are paying attention to each aspect of it. For example, are you spending time with your friends? Connecting spiritually? Physically getting enough exercise? Emotionally are you getting your needs met? What about mentally? Another sign of progress is making sure you aren't spread too thin and are using a variety of supports to help sustain your holistic health.

Medical Issues - Building a healthy relationship with food/weight/exercise can also effect things like cholesterol levels, blood pressure and so on.

The above are excellent ways in concretely seeing both benefits and movements as you work towards building and then maintaining a healthy lifestyle.... much more informative than just a number wouldn't you say?

*Keep in mind that other illnesses/diagnosis can effect the above. It is important to consult your medical and health team whenever you make changes regarding your health and wellness. This list is not exhaustive.