Preparation to Action

I’ve written about the stages of change before. You know, the model that includes: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action and maintenance. I want to focus on the important step of preparation today. 

Intention to do something is very different than actively working towards the change one wants to see. I may want to get my oil changed in my car, however, if I don’t make an appointment, or buy the necessary items needed to do it on my own, the dirty oil will not get switched out for clean oil. When working towards making change in one’s recovery, the same principles apply. 

Let’s review a few scenarios. Can you relate?

#1 Viktor and People Pleasing. 

Viktor knows he is a people pleaser and avoids conflict in any way he can, leading him to feeling used, frustrated and lonely. He often tells his therapist how he would like to be assertive and confident as he colleague Trevor. 

Intent? Change? Well, he wants to be confident, however there is no mention or plan of how he will invoke a change in behaviour towards his end goal.

#2 Charlene and Binge Breaking. 

Charlene recently relapsed. She knows if she continues down this path, she will likely end up even more depressed and isolated. She meets with her therapist to discuss high risk situations where she has a tendency to binge. One such situation is coming up this weekend. Her and her therapist come up with a concrete plan filled with skills and alternative options, some of which involve prep work before she goes, such as making a meal plan. The weekend approaches and Charlene realizes she hasn’t done any of the prep work and decides to wing it. 

Charlene has the awareness that if nothing changes, nothing changes, leading to depression and isolation. She wants to choose a different path, and comes up with a plan. She, however, failed to follow through with the prep work needed for the plan to be successful.

#3 Jamie and Restricting. 

It’s cottage season. This is the first summer in years where she has been back to her cottage as it used to be the prime place where restricting would occur. Wanting to be able to enjoy her time away, while knowing it will also be triggering, she asks her support group for ideas on how to stay on track with eating all summer. They suggest that making a 2 month goal may not be realistic and to consider making a S.M.A.R.T. goal, as well as a list of potential barriers. Jamie goes home, writes up a plan and runs it by the group the following week for feedback. Her plan is as follows:

S.M.A.R.T. Goal  

S - specific: follow meal plan while at cottage this weekend

M - measurable: after each meal, I will be able to measure whether or not I have restricted and am on track with my weekend goal

A - attainable: it is possible for me to follow my meal plan, I’ve done it before

R - realistic: it is reasonable to set the goal to not restrict while at my cottage as I’m only there for the weekend this trip

T - timely: by the end of the weekend, this goal will be over

Things to do Before and During My Trip in Preparation: 

• talk to dietician about meal plan, create one together (appointment made for next Wednesday)
• talk with family around what we plan on doing while away so I have an idea on how to plan my meals
• ask a friend if I can call them over the weekend if I need support around meal times
• shop for food/snack items (Markus agreed and will be available)
• ask someone to eat with me at meal times (talked with uncle Bill to have breakfast together, cousin Trish will eat lunch)
• write up cope cards/affirmations to help remind me why I want to stick to my meal plan (ie: I can do this, It’s just one weekend, I’m doing the best I can, I’ve worked too hard to get where I am, This feeling will pass)
• come up with possible barriers (see below)
• bring journal, recovery app, distraction box (things I use when needing to be distracted… ie: colouring book, movies, book, word searches, wool, etc).

Barriers:

• something might up come up unexpectedly while at the cottage delaying or changing my meal plan
• people not wanting to eat at regular times
• being reminded of old patterns/memories while at cottage
• overwhelming feelings emerge, loud ED voice 

Accountability:

• talk to group upon return informing them how it went
•  talk to therapist and dietician

Jamie may still struggle over the course of the weekend. Having a plan in place does not guarantee it will be successfully met. It does, however, enable one to be more prepared and mindful as to what to expect, increasing the likelihood of staying on track. Also, having an accountability partner or group is a great way to follow through on a change. We all need encouragement from time to time, especially when working on recovery.  

What’s your next goal? Have you prepared for it?

Getting Back to the Game

If you've read wiTHIN, you know that ringette was a big part of my life growing up. I love this game. Being in a cold arena and having callouses on my fingers from constant tying skates was normal for me. In my adolescence, nothing else mattered in my life during those two 15 minutes periods other than the game. It had a purpose, I knew what I had to do, and I was working with others to accomplish it. Sometimes, it would go our way, sometimes not. I knew I found a large piece of my identity there, but to this day, I am still learning what it brought to my life back then, and continues to bring to my life now. 

Recently, I connected that what I liked about this sport was that it brought people together... it didn't matter what religion you were, or where you went to school. It didn't matter how you identified yourself sexually or in gender (although it was originally created for girls as a counter-part to the once male dominated sport of hockey), or whether you were short of tall, thin or big. Shy or outgoing, insecure or confident, the point of the game was to play as a team and put the ring in the net and to be sportsmanlike in doing so. 

I stopped playing ringette for a few years after high school. Having lost this outlet, the purpose for my muscular body, and the uncertainty of the future with starting University, I developed an eating disorder.  During those years, everything that didn't matter during the game all of a sudden did. How I thought about my body, sexuality, weight, calories, grades, and so on took priority. It's not that those things didn't exist before, however they became the main focus in and outside of sport/exercise. This became the new 'game'... one that took from me more than it gave. One that had serious health consequences, where engaging in any movement or exercise was not recommended, encouraged and, in some cases, permitted. 

Keep reading and following wiTHIN to read how the rest of the journey turned out, however, what I want to focus on is the important of returning to sport post-recovery (after being medically cleared and after many chats with your therapist). For many years during my recovery, everything I did was 'recovery' orientated in some way. The people I hung out with were mainly those I had met in program or had their own mental health struggles. My vocabulary and topics of conversation largely revolved around therapy, eating disorders and recovery. It consumed me... And, at the time, it was because I felt this was the only aspect of how I could relate to other people... This huge life altering course of events occurred that profoundly changed how I saw the world and myself in it. I struggled with relating to those who could just eat normally or didn't have to plan when/where they would have their next meal or snack. I didn't know how to relate to my peers who appeared to be having fun with University and related activities... I didn't know how to just 'go with the flow' in anything.  And, in the beginning, I suppose it was more than just not knowing... I needed life to be like that. I needed the structure and the sense of belonging so I could focus on being and staying well.

Over time, I lost sight of life outside of my mental health issues.  Re-entering exercise as i navigated through the many stages of recovery was tricky. Most of the exercises I did weren't for pleasure or fun, rather done out of guilt, obligation or punishment. As I continued to move forward in recovery, challenging my motivation for why and when I exercised along the way,  I eventually returned to ringette. It wasn't smooth sailing. I was so hard on myself for not performing at the same level I did when I left. I wasn't 18 years old any more and had completely destroyed and, was in the process of rebuilding, my body and mind. I needed to learn who to play for fun again. 

I had to evolve. And it was scary. The first year of returning to ringette consisted of telling my, at the time, roommate how I didn't want to go before each game, then coming home with a sense of being glad I did (what a repeat of Brownies this was... although I never moved up the ranks... couldn't relate to dancing around a mystical mushroom and the talk of fairies).  It took awhile before I branched out to grab food with them after a game. Sometimes, I catch myself smiling at how I used to talk with my teammates in the beginning.  It was always about such serious matters... my version of 'shooting the breeze' because that's all I knew and what my life consisted of for so long.  They were respectful and listened. It took awhile to realize and be comfortable with having friends where mental health wasn't our main connection. I needed to learn that there was more to me than my recovery from an eating disorder, depression or OCD. And, when I would fall in and out of my mental health issues over the following years, they were there to support and listen, relating as best they could... but their main encouragement came with helping me get back to the game.  I'm so grateful.

I've found new sports to engage in for health and pleasure over the years that has no connection to my eating disorder.  I also engage in some sports where I tread a fine line, where I must stay vigilant in making sure my motivation doesn't get  corrupted by old eating disorder thoughts. I won't be able to play ringette forever as my body's ability and strength will change... and what that just means is... I will simply find something else to do for fun :)  That will fill my social, spiritual, physical, mental and emotional needs like ringette did and still does...

"Your Sweater Makes Your Eyes Pop"

Last week, I went to the annual YMCA/YWCA of Guelph Women of Distinction nomination ceremony. Having co-nominated a colleague of mine, I wanted to show my support and appreciation for all she does in, for and beyond our community. It was an inspiring night and, let’s just say, I am glad I am not on the committee who is responsible for picking the winner for each category.

Afterwards, some of us were talking about how many women struggle with receiving compliments. One of us joked (it could have been me, I cannot recall) about what would happen if we went up to a man and said, “wow, that tie sure makes your eyes pop”. Would they brush it off, justify their tie choice or feel the need to pay a compliment back? (Side note: I do acknowledge the presence of stereotypes in the above comments and that gender, per se, does not make it easier or more difficult when taking in compliments. I also recognize there are many factors that play into why and what individuals make compliments about). 

Later that evening, I met up with the board games group I am a part of and thought I would test our theory. Please note this experiment has no scientific validity and that I, myself, am not fashionable and would not know what does or does not make one’s eyes pop.

Me: “Hey Jerome (name changed), the colour of your sweater makes your eyes pop”.

Group: Silence, stares of confusion made in my direction

Jerome: “Um, Thanks”.

Dammit! I was hoping for something more. A justification or some sort of shyness… a change in subject perhaps… something! I then explained to the group why I made my compliment.

All joking aside, I’m glad he was able to take my compliment, even if it was out of confusion. I challenge you, moving forward, to do the same and say ‘thank you’ when one is given to you, regardless of whether or not you believe it.  We do not have to keep putting ourselves down or discounting what others see in us… it is possible to change the tape in our heads and ears. I do not know about you, but I am sure thankful that others see positive things in me because, from time to time, when I’m hard on myself, I need the reminder that there is another perspective out there other than my own! There has to be a middle ground between self-deprecation and being unapologetic. Here enters humility.  In this case, humility honours what others see in us, while self-deprecation hinders self-worth from taking root, and being unapologetic disregards the shared greatness of others.

I know there were women who felt their nomination was unnecessary or perhaps, even a mistake. That they could easily think of someone in their life who they thought deserved it more. We all have moments, from time to time, where we think we are frauds. I think it is possible to recognize the areas we would like to improve, while equally acknowledging the parts of ourselves that are pretty great! And we all have each of these areas…. the question is, will you allow yourself to see/hear both?

Boundaries and the Bible

As a teenager, I remember feeling annoyed that I had to drive co-workers out to and from the children’s camp where I used to work. I felt guilt ridden and shameful for needing time to myself when other’s had a need I could easily meet. Back then, I didn’t realize that my need to have some alone time was a way of caring for myself. If you’ve ever worked at a camp, you know that having time to yourself is limited. By not practicing boundaries and listening to my needs, everyone suffered as I was unable to be fully available to my co-workers and campers. 

I recently met with a professor who taught me during my masters. I asked him if we could talk over lunch about boundaries and the Bible. I often hear and see, both inside and outside the walls of my office, individuals with much confusion, anger, guilt and shame around these two areas. Some are taught, directly and indirectly, that boundaries are selfish. That saying ‘no’ to people, means you are not being ‘loving towards thy neighbour’. That when we are wronged, we are simply supposed to suck it up and turn the other cheek. 

I wanted to shed some light on this, and perhaps, clarify what boundaries are and are not, by looking at three Biblical passages. Whether you intentionally practice religion or not, read on. Perhaps there are concepts you have heard or picked up along the way.

Belief #1 - Aren’t we supposed to give up our lives… take up our cross per say? 

Many quote Matthew 10:38-39 when questioning boundaries: 

“Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.”

One thing I learned while working on my masters is the necessity of studying Scripture within the context it was written in. In this context, Jesus is specifically talking to the 12 disciples, letting them know that the cost of following him may mean death. It was not uncommon for individuals to be killed for their faith during, and since, this time. This passage also lets the disciples know that by putting their faith in Jesus, even to the point of death, they will live on eternally (as per the Christian faith). That even thought they lose their earthly life, they will gain life eternally. 

This passage isn’t saying, let people walk all over you by living solely for other people. It is not saying, you must always say ‘yes’ to people’s request and tolerate their abuse. It is not saying, your life doesn’t matter. This passage is saying, “hey, this is the cost of following me. I’m being upfront about this… it’s your choice… and it is indeed a choice.” Choice is a crucial piece to boundaries, which brings me to my next point.

Belief #2 - Aren’t we supposed to turn the other cheek?

Matthew 5:38-42 says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”

This passage is trying to get people to see that retaliation isn’t the answer. An eye for an eye only leaves two men blind, it doesn’t bring about reconciliation nor justice. This passage isn’t about promoting violence or perpetuating it. It’s urging people to settle issues instead of retaliating back and forth.

The part about going two miles instead of one, needs to be understood by taking into consideration the cultural customs of the time. The minimum requirement when ordered or asked to help a traveler was to go one mile. One, however, has the choice of travelling more if they so desired. This is an importance piece… choice. At any point after the customary one mile, they had the choice to decide when they wanted to stop. Boundaries aren’t boundaries if one is forced into it. That’s slavery. It’s not boundaries when one is forced into a behaviour due to a power imbalance, such as in abuse. One cannot turn the cheek on their own (deciding their boundaries), when there’s injustice, manipulation or coercion. 

Belief #3 - Jesus would have done it… aren’t we supposed to do what he does? 

I want to point out that in Matthew 14, a passage that shows Jesus practicing boundaries. Earlier in the chapter, his dear and beloved cousin, John the Baptist, was murdered by King Herod. After this happened, Jesus was saddened, got into a boat and withdrew to a private and solitary place. He took the time he needed until he felt ready to go back to the people waiting for him. He didn’t shove his feelings aside and say, “they don’t matter”. He took care of himself before returning to the crowds.  I’m sure you’ve heard this saying before, and as cliché as it might be, it holds true: You can’t fill someone else’s cup when yours is empty. Or, you can’t drive someone to the store when your car is broken. In order to help others out, we must take care of ourselves. This doesn’t mean you have to wait until everything in your life is perfect before lending a hand, but you need to know how much reserves you have left before giving some away.

Parental, Partner and Care-giver Support

I recently got together with some colleagues to discuss a research article (it’s more fun than it seems) on families supporting loved one’s struggling with an eating disorder. As always, having had personal experience and now working in the field, I cannot help but reflect back to what it was like for me and my family/friends/support networks, as well asthe people in the lives of my clients.  

Time and time again, family members often feel as though they are unsupported and/or unheard as they support their loved one. Many times, they feel blind sided by the eating disorder, helpless in knowing what to say or do, leaving them scared and, at times, cut off from their usual supports due to the nature of this beast. 

At the time of my struggle, the last thing I wanted was for my family to be involved in my illness or recovery. I think there were many reasons for this, although, in hindsight, I wish I was a little more permissive around letting them use and/or access their supportive resources. In order to have done this, I needed to acknowledge the following:

#1 Eating Disorders Don’t Just Affect You - Like it or not, eating disorders and recovery don’t just involve the one who is struggling. It is not a one person fight. Everyone will get bruised from time to time.  I didn’t get that all those years ago and its been a humbling experience learning another perspective other than my own of what it was like to be affected by an eating disorder. It was unrealistic to think, no matter how much I wished they didn’t care or notice what was going on, that my struggle was only going to affect me. If my meal times were stressful, their meal times were stressful. If I was experiencing a cold draft in a restaurant, you bet our whole table would have to move somewhere more suitable. If I didn’t want to talk in therapy, the efforts of my therapist would not be rewarded. If you’ve read Part 1 of wiTHIN, you’ve seen various my eating disorder had an impact on my employer, my dog, my brother, my friends, strangers and so on. And here I was thinking I was doing such a great job managing it on my own…

#2 Feelings Will Be Had - It may be uncomfortable to admit, but regardless of how your family shows emotion, they will be had. How could they not? You’re not an island… you matter. And when people care, emotions aren’t far behind. Often, those around you are feeling scared, guilty, helpless, angry, sad, and so much more. It is not your fault they have these responses (which are pretty normal emotions to feel when a loved one is ill), nor is it your responsibility to take care of their emotions. The majority of my clients disagree on that last one, and I would totally be willing to have a more in depth conversation with you around that one. They eventually come around :)

Maybe some of your family/friends express their feelings aggressively, while others are taken over by them. Having a conversation with atherapist could be a safe place to discuss what it is like for you and for them, when feelings are had. With help, everyone can be heard, validated and coached when communicating. Tolerating your parents talking to a trusted friend, support group or therapist on their own can also provide them with another outlet instead of bottling them up or solely expressing at home. 

#3 We Heal in Community - You know the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child”? I think this saying is equally true when it comes to recovering from an eating disorder and/or supporting someone with an eating disorder. No one person can do it all. There are many roles that need to be filled… whether it’s a therapist or a dietician, a friend or a support group member, a parent or a sibling, and so on. Each are invaluable. There’s another saying common in the eating disorders community, “eating disorders survive in secrecy”. I would argue they not only survive, but thrive! I know it’s hard… however the more you expose the eating disorder (whether its thoughts, actions, emotions, etc) the more aware you will be of where change needs to occur, as well as where you need support. Finding trusted people to open up to with this is important… both for you and those supporting you. 

So, I urge you… allow your family to access supports. If you can’t allow them to access supports for your sake, allow them to access supports for theirs. Check out your local eating disorders resources in your area, or (in Canada) NEDIC for more listings in your area. If you live in the Waterloo-Wellington area, check out the Family and Friends support group offered through CMHA specifically for eating disorders. You don’t, and aren’t, meant to go through this alone!

Freaky Foods

I remember this moment pretty vividly.  A battle of epic proportions. On one side, the brownie. The other side, the voice of recovery. In the middle... me.  On the table was this piece of chocolaty dessert starring up at me with beady eyes. The voice of recovery gently coaching me that it is just dessert. A frantic 'me' running between the two, trying to decide who I would listen to.

We all face freaky foods. Those that make us want to jump out of our skin, makes us feel out of control and/or nervous. Next time this occurs, try to remember the following:

#1 Wise Mind - We have a rational side and an emotional side to our thinking. When we only use one side, we run the risk of missing out on important information. Using the example above, emotionally I didn’t want to eat the brownie because I thought it would make me feel worthless, defeated, unwanted and so on. Rationally, my brain was telling me that it was simply flour, eggs, cocoa, etc. By considering both emotion and rational, also known as using wise mind, I could make a decision that had the best course of action in mind. 

#2 Opposite Action - I like to think of this skill as looking fear directly in the eye. Food ‘X’ scares you, making you want to avoid it? It probably means you should eat it. Now, I’m not saying you have to jump in and eat whatever it is in that moment that leads you to feeling fearful, however, make it a point to challenge yourself to eat it with the appropriate support needed for you to do it as safely and successfully as possible.  Opposite action can be a great way of reclaiming what the eating disorder has taken away from you!

#3 Recovery is Tough. Take Care of Yourself! - There is no way to get through recovery without learning the necessity of self-care. In the above, I did end up eating the brownie, however I was still emotionally distressed afterwards… the distress simply shifted from the thought of eating the brownie to having actually eaten it. There was no immediate cheering after having made the decision that was pro-recovery (that came later)… I still had to learn to address the emotional need that was trying to get comfort through restricting. I had to learn other ways of comforting myself, such as talking with others, taking time for myself, crying, be gentle with and learning to forgive myself, etc. 

#4 All Foods Fit - Remember, all foods fit. Try to take the judgment out of food. They aren’t ‘good’ or ‘bad’… food is food, and we need a variety of it. If we can shift out thinking in this way, removing the label, we will learn some invaluable information about ourself. Ask yourself, “what would it mean if I ate ‘X’ that I am so afraid of?” This question could lead to other areas that could be helpful to explore with a therapist.

Holiday Diets - Don't Let Them Fool You

I came across a Facebook post (a breeding ground for bloggers) the other day that encouraged individuals over the month of December to weigh the same at the end of the month as they did at the beginning of the month. With this challenge in mind, the hope was to influence people's food/exercise patterns over the holidays. Naturally, this rubbed me the wrong way and my deep passion for Health at Every Size and the treatment of eating disorders flared up. Let me tell you why!

#1 Our Society Likes to Pretend Set Point Doesn't Exist. Set Point tells us that when we have a healthy relationship with both food and exercise, our weight will stay within a range (yes a range!) that is genetically predetermined. In some ways, our bodies act like thermostats. A house  gets too warm, the cool air kicks in. Too cold? Sit by a vent and wait for the hot air to turn on. When we overeat, our bodies kick in to help use up the extra fuel that it was given. Maybe we start to sweat or have lots of energy. When it's too cold, we shiver and heat moves away from our extremities to vital organs as a way of preserving fuel. Therefore, if we did overeat during the holidays (which is normal) and don't weight the same at the end of the month as we did at the beginning, our bodies with makes the necessary adjustments when we return to normalized eating and exercise. Trust it :)

#2 Why Are We Weighing Ourselves To Begin With... Period? I'm not a fan of the scale... for many reasons. It truly isn't that important to know what you weigh as it isn't a measure of health. Two people could be of the same height and age and could weigh completely different from the other... and both be healthy. Why? Because of set point! Our weight doesn't tell us our cholesterol levels, whether our kidneys are working or what's going on with our blood pressure. When we step on the scale, it can also make us vulnerable to distorted eating, never mind having an unhealthy relationship with one's body. If you don't like the number when you step on the scale, you may think you have to engage in distorted eating to make it lower. If you've been restricting (or other ED behaviours) and you like what shows up on the screen, you'll likely continue engaging in unhealthy behaviours even more. It's a lose lose situation. Hide it, smash it, get rid of it. Remove the temptation that often fuels anxiety and worry around weight. 

#3 Our Choices Will Then Be Determined By Weight, Not Health or Enjoyment. I remember sitting in a restaurant, flipping the menu back and forth numerous times, trying to figure out what I was going to allow myself to eat.  A way to redeem myself for not being 'in control' during Christmas. It wasn't much fun. I remember the anxiety of trying to figure out what was permissible to eat, versus what I really wanted to enjoy. What makes me even more mad, is that this particular restaurant isn't even open any more... making me unable to enjoy what I denied all those years ago (you'd be surprised as to how often this has happened to me!).  The holidays bring a variety of foods and traditions we often don't eat/do during the rest of the year. This contributes to the 'specialness' of these times. It's important to remember that it doesn't last forever, and it will return. You don't have to eat everything in sight because it's only available for a short amount of time, but you can allow yourself to enjoy what is around you in a healthy way, knowing it will return again next year. Have the cookie because it's yummy. If you don't want the Christmas pudding, fine. No problem! That is completely okay too! Just make sure it is because you really don't want it, or because you know it will make sick as you've already had a few, etc. Not because it will throw off the 'weigh-in' at the end of the month.

#4 It Runs the Risk of Promoting Compensatory Behaviours.  Another reason why these diets bother me is that it gets people to link food and exercise in an unhealthy way. There could be a tendency to feel bad/guilty/shameful/obligatory after indulging. Try exercising because you enjoy it, not because you have to step on a scale at the end of the month. Don't like the gym, no problem. Find an activity where you move (because that's what exercise is... movement) and have fun. Build it into your lifestyle all year round, rather than a form of 'punishment' because of something you ate. 

The holidays can be a high risk time for many who are in recovery (or not) from an eating disorder. Go into the next month with a plan. Talk to your dietician and therapist about how to manage family dinners, how to stick to your meal plan, practicing flexibility and so on. Each stage of recovery has it's own challenges. What may apply to one's person in recovery may not apply to another, and that is ok. Remember that diets, or 'food/weight' challenges, don't work. Trust your body and your recovery and use the supports around you!

I Just Want Control!

We all need a sense of mastery and control in our lives. There's nothing inherently wrong with this. To some degree, knowing our actions can have a positive or desired outcome is motivating and/or empowering... otherwise, why would we try? It's the thought, belief or hope that one can make a difference in life that makes us attempt in the first place. It's deadly when this mindset disappears. I remember hearing a story about an orphanage that contained many infants that never cried. It wasn't because they were sleeping or had nothing to cry about... it was because they had figured out that their crying wouldn't do anything. No one would come. No one tended to them when in needed. They were neglected. They had lost their sense of control in that their crying would get a respond. 

Sometimes, life presents events that rob us of power/control. These events could look like anything from a trauma to moving. It can look like being born into a particular family or geographical area to struggling with an illness. Perhaps, someone feels as though they have no power due to the social or religious community they are part of, or due to the various physical changes that puberty brings. We all experience events that challenge our sense of control. 

Time and time again, I hear the theme of 'control' when talking with individuals who are, or have, struggled with an eating disorder. They express finding comfort in knowing they could control what was put in their bodies/mouth, what isn't put into their bodies/mouth and/or how it was taken out.  Often, the use and manipulation of food is something they have learned to do over time, only making the connection as to how they use food years later. Trying to find control, in any form, makes sense on some level... that one would attempt to find control in a distressing situation in any way that was possible.  The eating disorder become a coping mechanism of sorts. Knowing this, who would blame them for having an eating disorder? That during a time of chaos, they found a way to try to survive.  In the short term it's brilliant, in the long term it is extremely costly and deadly. 

Part of recovery involves rebuilding hope and ability to find a sense control outside of their eating disorder. Listed are various ways of doing so, although by no means a complete list. 

Challenging Distorted Thinking. It's easy to adopt various types of distorted thinking, such as all or none, catastrophizing, black and white, exaggerating, etc, in or as a result of a difficult/distressing situations. The problem is, over time, it hinders people from being flexible in thinking. For example, categorizing people (including themselves) as either good or bad due to past behaviours could keep one stuck in feeling unworthy of recovery itself.  This would make it difficult to engage in self-caring behaviours such as building a healthier relationship with food, with others and with themselves. Another example would be to challenge the distorted thought that the only thing that will keep them safe is their eating disorder. For many, the eating disorder has been with them through some really tough times. Parting ways with it, in order to learn and implement healthier ways, could be distressing, however possible! 

Accepting We Don't Have Control Over Everything. Another way to regain a sense of control is to acknowledge there are some things in life we don't have control over.  We do, however, have the ability to control how we respond to it.  We can't control whether or not we lose our job during a recession or downsizing, however, we can control what we do next. Do we cope by going on a bender, or do we allow individuals (or agencies) to help us during a time of need? Do we let emotions rule us, or do we implement wise mind (using both emotional and rational sides of the mind instead of letting one overrule the other). Do we feel our feelings or do we stuff them away?

Assertiveness and Boundaries are Key! Another way of regaining or building a healthier sense of control is by implementing boundaries and assertiveness with those around you. You have a say in your life, and the right to assert your boundaries before and when people infringe on them. You are allowed to stand up for yourself. You are allowed to protect yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually.  Learn your rights and how to effectively express them. 

Do More of What You Like! It's easy to get lost in the eating disorder, and for it to eventually control you (the paradox of this illness). Reclaim what you like in your life outside of your eating disorder and do more of it. If you've forgotten, that's ok. Use recovery as an opportunity for self-discovery. Try new things. If you don't like it, great! It's simply more information about who and what you like. 

If you can relate to any of the above, contact a therapist today! We all figure out ways of coping... some healthy, some not. Some struggle with an eating disorder, others struggle with addiction. Some isolate, other's never say 'no'. Regardless, when presented with a situation that leaves us feeling out of control (or over controlled), the worst thing to do is to be alone.  It is possible to find a healthy sense of control again.