Container and Safe Place

Last year, I completed training in Eye Movement Reprocessing and Desensitization (E.M.D.R.) and was introduced to the skills of 'container/containment' and 'safe/calm place'. Other therapy modalities also use these skills. I love them! Especially safe place. Both involve visualization and can help decrease anxiety. Give them a try!

So, container/containment. Close your eyes for a moment. Think of some sort of container that is strong and sturdy. Something that you can put things into that you know won't be able to get out. When I close my eyes and do this, I see a treasure chest box. Black/grey-ish, with rusted metal trim on its seams. There's a latch with a key hole to keep it locked. It's a special kind of chest in that it is a bottomless container... sort of like Hermione's bag (for all you Harry Potter fans) that contains endless amount of things. When I'm feeling distressed, or have too many thoughts roaming around in my head that keep me from falling asleep or focusing at the task at hand, I put them in this container. I visualize every worry and painful feeling I can't attend to in this moment flying into this container. I shut the lid *thud* and slide it to the back corner in the basement, where it's dark and dingy... cobwebs in the corners and ceiling. It sits there until I allow myself to pull it out.

The concept of the container isn't meant for you to be in denial of the painful things you put in there... it's not meant to be locked up forever (because we all know that doesn't work!). But, it gives yourself permission to take a break from it for a bit. Then, perhaps when you are in your  next therapy appointment, or with a trusted support person, you allow yourself to take it out again and work on it. 

Next is calm/safe place. If you prefer the word calmness over safety, that is okay. It is not important which word you choose to reference this place, as long as it is a place where calmness and peace resides. 

Similarly to container, visualize a place that is filled with everything calm and safe. It can be real, or imaginary. Are you alone or with someone? Any animals there? What is in your surroundings? Can you hear anything? Are you inside or outside? Any smells or tastes? What can you feel? 

My calm place has changed over the years. It used to be a remote shoreline of a lake up North, near White Otter Castle, that awaited me after completing a portage. There was a pebble beach with various trees (oak, maple, birch, pine) defining the shoreline. It was summer time, blue sky, warm and no bugs. There is a sense of awe and wonder here, as well as relief. There is no wind, the water is calm, although I can hear it lap up against the pebbles. In reality, there were more people there, but in my calm place, it is just me. It is a first person view. I don’t have a physical picture of this place… but it is so clear in my mind.

I can go there whenever I want. I can go there when I’m alone or in a crowd.  And, if for whatever reason, this place somehow becomes ‘tainted’ and is no longer calm or safe, I can let it go and think up a new place. Same with the container… if when pulling it up in your mind you feel as though it won’t do the job you need it to, think up something new or different. Add things to it or start fresh. So, next time you are needing some ‘calmness’ in your life, try putting your distress in a container and then visually going to your calm place!

Grief and Recovery

I’ve been thinking a lot about grief lately. In doing so, I realized there are many similarities between grief and recovery. Read through this piece, first as it is written. Then, reread it replacing the word ‘grief/loss’ with the word, ‘recovery’. 

It takes as long as it takes: Sometimes people worry that they are taking too long to grieve. They, and often society, push themselves to “just get over it”. It’s not that easy. If it were, they would have done so already, no? Grief takes as long as it takes. You can’t compare grief, because no two lives and experiences are the same. Try to ease off the comparison (and assumption) that others are moving along ‘better’, ‘faster’, or more ‘stronger’ than you. Move through grief at your own pace, and remember, it takes as long as it takes.

Give it time: As much as this may not be helpful to hear at times, there is a measure of truth to this. In time, we develop a different relationship to the loss, than when it first happened. Time doesn’t fix the pain felt, but it gives us space to develop new templates without what we once had. 

It takes effort: Parts of grief are more passive, and other parts require a lot of work. Yes, it takes as long as it takes, and we have to give it time, however, avoidance is not a long term solution. You will have days where every fibre of your being is saying, “just stay down”. Self-care, and then keep going. It is possible, for a variety of reasons, to get prolong or get stuck in grief. Some parts of grief you’ll be able to work through on your own, other parts will require the support of a friend/family/professional/support group or even stranger. It’s okay to let people in on the process. 

You are forever changed: We experience grief for a reason. Some ‘thing’ in our lives, whether it be a hope, a reality, a person, sense of security, innocence, etc. meant something to us. Maybe we didn’t even realize until that ‘thing’ was gone or until it was too late. When we go through loss, when we experience grief, a shift occurs within us. We can never go back to what was, or what was hoped to be. The present and future are altered from how we experienced the reality of what was. And… as much as we might try to bargain to go back to what was, it can’t. Take what you’ve learned as you build a different present and future. 

It’s full of emotions: There are various theories and frameworks to try and explain grief. Some view it in stages, others see it more dynamic that this. Regardless, it is inevitable you are going to feel. Try to be compassionate with yourself, even if it feels unfamiliar or awful. Remember that the feeling you feel right now will pass. You can’t cry forever. And, when the more positive emotions start to surface, allow them to be present. You haven’t done anything wrong by laughing during grief. You haven’t betrayed anyone or anything. Life has to move forward again. It might be a quick reprieve, or maybe a signal of changing times. Whatever it is, it’s there for a reason.

Not everyone will understand: Expect to encounter individuals who will put their foot in their mouth. We’ve all done it. Sometimes it happens because they are nervous, or feel helpless… maybe they just don’t know what to say and feel as though they should… maybe they are looking for comfort themselves. And, sometimes, people are just insensitive. Know you are not alone. It’s okay to set up boundaries with people around what you are and aren’t will to do or talk about. Try to find someone to share your grief with. It’s already a heavy load to have to hold… we all need someone to listen to us, cry with us, distract and celebrate with.

A Few of My Favourite Things

Every now and then, family members send me random links of animals being silly or ridiculously cute. I love it. Despite how sad, stressed, distracted, anxious or whatever other feeling I’m feeling that isn’t the most pleasant, they always make me smile. They give me a reprieve from my emotional distress. These links or pictures don’t change what contributed to my distress, and I still have to deal with it, however, it lets me have a second to regroup and smile before going back to it. During my masters, I had Cute Overload in my tool bar on my computer for easy access to help balance the demands of academia. I thought I’d share some of my favourites links or PodCasts that make me smile or provide me with a much needed distraction*. What are yours?

The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

http://www.comedywildlifephoto.com/gallery/

Cute Overload - Twitter

https://twitter.com/cuteoverload

National Geographic

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/photography/

This Is That - CBS (attn: satire content!)

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/thisisthat

Science Vs - Gimlet Media (Podcast)

https://gimletmedia.com/show/science-vs/

Surprisingly Awesome - Gimlet Media (Podcast)

https://gimletmedia.com/show/surprisingly-awesome/

*I do not endorse everything in the above links 

Showing Compassion

The other day, I read an article regarding etiquette on social media etiquette around death. I’ve studied a lot about death and dying in my undergrad days, but so much has changed technology wise within that period of time. As I was reading, I felt a deep sense of guilt for how I handled a situation a few years ago. I posted something earlier than, in hindsight, I wish I had. I was sad, and in disbelief at the time. I wanted to grieve, but felt removed from the situation due to distance. My post didn’t go well with some. For others, it granted them permission to start posting the same sort of thoughts and feelings I had. Still, I wish I had waited… and I know now, how to navigate similar situations in the future. 

This situation got me thinking… All we want from others when we screw up is to be shown compassion… even if we feel like this is the last thing we deserve or dare to hope for, on some level we still want it. Yet, we are the last ones to show compassion to ourselves.  We beat ourselves up for our humanness, yet generously extend it to others*. We need others in our journey towards health and wellness... but we also need it from ourselves towards ourselves. You cut yourself short in your journey by not doing so! 

If time travel was a reality, I’m sure there would be things I would go back and change… but I can’t. I can fight hard against this reality, however it won’t get me anywhere positive.  The times I fought back against acceptance, I usually ended up in more pain. All I can do, all you can do, is learn from it and try do better next time. Maybe it means needing to go through the same situation ten times before making a change… but it’s still a change. In the meantime, grant yourself some compassion.

*I want to add that not everyone shows compassion to others. I can think of many reasons for why this is and am not going to get into them today. My point is, when we don’t show compassion to ourselves, or others, we end up hurting ourselves due to the heaviness that comes from holding onto it.

Faces of Recovery 2016

Mark your calendars! 

A Farmer Had a Horse

I came across this fable the other day as I was reading Dr. Jackie Gardner-Nix’s book, The Mindfulness Solution to Pain. The title is the perfect description of the essence of the book. Whether one is experiencing chronic pain or emotional pain, mindfulness has been a proven resource to help manage, tolerate and in many cases reduce pain. What I also appreciated from this read, is that it falls in line with the evidence based therapy for eating disorders, DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). 

Radical acceptance, a skill from DBT, is all about accepting a situation, as it is, without judgment. Stuck in traffic? Getting ticked off and impatient you are not where you want/need to be will not change the reality that you are not moving as fast as you would like. It is what it is. Might as well, in this situation that you can’t change, use another DBT skills: intentionally creating positive experiences. Turn on the radio to your favourite station and rock out (safely of course) while you wait. Did you just binge or engage in an ED symptom? Accept it without judgement. Remind yourself that shame and guilt will only make you further engage in ED symptoms. Accept that it happened, without judgment towards yourself or the situation, and forge on. 

I digress… what I like about radical acceptance, and other DBT skills, is that it encourages one to go with the flow and be more flexible in thinking and behaving, a sign of health and wellness. As the fable will show, and is an important reminder, things may not always be what they seem, nor have the costs or benefits initially mourned or celebrated. Therefore, take each moment as it is and not get ahead of ourselves. 

Check it out:

“A farmer had a horse. One day, his horse ran away.

All the neighbours came by saying, “I’m so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.” The man just said, “We’ll see.”

A few days later, his horse came back with twenty wild horses. The man and his son corralled all 21 horses.

All the neighbours came by saying, “Congratulations! This is such good news. You must be so happy!” The man just said, “We’ll see.”

One of the wild horses kicked the man’s only son, breaking both his legs.

All the neighbours came by saying, “I’m so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.” The man just said, “We’ll see.”

The country went to war, and every able-bodied young man was drafted to fight. The war was terrible and killed every young man, but the farmer’s son was spared, since his broken legs prevented him from being drafted.

All the neighbours came by saying, “Congratulations! This is such good news. You must be so happy!” The man just said, “We’ll see.”’

- Unknown

Ah! My Therapist is Going On Vacation...

I used to hate when my therapist would go on vacation. It disrupted my routine and familiarity of our weekly sessions. I felt like I had to keep everything in until they returned. I became fearful my recovery would go down the tube as if they were the one that magically kept it all together. At times, I felt a little abandoned. Funny though, I didn’t really think this way when I was the one going on vacation. I know not all clients feel this way, but I was one of the one’s who did. The ironies and insights of now being a therapist, as well as having grown as a person and in recovery. Here’s why your therapist going on vacation is a good thing:

• It Models Self-Care. Therapy is hard work. Breaks allow both parties to return refreshed and re-focused. By going on vacation, l am also modelling self-care to my clients. Just as I have needs, so do you and it is okay to meet them.
• It Breaks Patterns. I think it is healthy for clients to feel a little planned chaos every now and then. All to often it is easy to fall into patterns and routines that do not address current or future needs. By entering planned chaos, one can learn how to navigate these times a little more successfully, giving one a foundation for when they occur without warning. Maybe this time is a good time to try knock off some of those items on your bucket list you've been meaning to get to. Don't just sit back counting down the days, try doing some safe activities to help pass them time as well as engages you in life.
• Assesses and Puts Into Use Other Available Resources. It is important to have a variety of resources established within one’s recovery. No single person is the key that will make or break one’s recovery. Each has a part to contribute and play. When one resources is not available, it is important to know who else is available for support. You also don’t have to keep everything in when your therapist goes away. Talk with a friend or fellow support group member. Call a distress line if need be. Sure it may not be the same, but it can be good enough in the interim. Remember, It is important to not throw all your eggs in one basket. 
• Assesses Strengths and Weaknesses. Vacations can be viewed as ‘test runs’. It allows for clients to see which areas they have progressed in, and which areas need a little more attention. However it goes, It is all information that will aid in strengthening your recovery. 
• Opportunity to Build Self-Trust. This is a big one. It is important, along the way, to build self-trust in your recovery. To know and realize, you have the ability and skills to tolerate your emotions and get through the situation as best you can. If we are never put into situations that foster self-trust and confidence, it is hard to fully believe and know YOU CAN DO IT!
• Challenges Abandonment and Reaffirms Object Constancy. Remember the peek-a-boo game.  Really young children have difficulty knowing that you are still there even though they cannot see your face behind your hands. As their brain develops, they start to realize that you are still behind ‘there’ and in fact, aren’t ‘gone’. Just because your therapist goes on vacation, they are still rooting, supporting and caring for you. Just because they are not available, does not mean what they represent disappears as well. Unless something tragic happens, therapists return from vacation, challenging in smalls ways, the thoughts/feelings of abandonment. 

So, this time when your therapist preps you for their vacation, check in with your feelings.  Remember that you can tolerate whatever uncomfortable feelings that arise, and remind yourselfthat it can be opportunity for skill building and implementation. You will get through it :)