Prepping For the Holidays

It's that time again! Holiday time. For some, this brings feelings of excitement and anticipation. While others, stress and a longing to go into a slight hibernation in hopes of by-passing the whole thing is on par. For the former, rock on and see you in 2017. For the latter, read on and hopefully, some of the strategies below will help make this time a little easier, or perhaps, even enjoyable.

#1 Plan Something You Like To Do: It's okay to make plans to do something you like. This can help balance some of the holiday activities you may not have much say about. Maybe it's going for a winter walk, or watching movies by a fire place. Explore the downtown shops or the local cafes you've always wanted to try. Whatever you like to do, plan time to do it or else you run the risk of time slipping by and another holiday season that you did not really enjoy will result. Remember, you don't have to do anything big or expensive in order for it to be fun, enjoyable or peaceful... or whatever it is you want it to bring into your holiday. 

#2 Intentionally Create Positive Experiences: You know that Christmas function at Aunt Gertrude's you attend every year with reluctance? Spice it up a little by intentionally creating a positive experience. This could be anything from wearing your favourite ugly sweater to bringing a game everyone can play. Maybe you invite your best friend to help ease the awkward yearly questions asked by family members or you make it your mission to sit beside your most liked cousin whom you can chat up a storm with over dinner. Whatever it is, putting some thought and effort into how you can make the best of the event has to be better than doing nothing and expecting the worse! Maybe it still won't be the best time you've ever had, but maybe it's slightly better than you anticipated. 

#3 Find Balance Between Social and Alone Time: This could go either way. Maybe you tend to isolate over the holidays, or perhaps you have difficulty saying 'no' to people.  Try to find time for social and alone/down time. This way, you don't run the risk of being lonely, or over booked to the point of exhaustion! Isolating will only make the time go by slower and over booking will leave you worn out and needing a holiday from your holiday. 

#4 Don't Forget to Take Your M n M's (Meds and Meals): Your routine and schedule will likely be nudge off track over the holidays. Maybe you're staying up later or going out of town more often than usual. Try to continue maintaining some of the basics in your recovery and wellness. Set an alarm to take your medication and meals so you don't run the risk of forgetting. Keep doing the necessary basics to help maintain your recovery instead of slipping backwards.

#5 Prepare for High Risk Situations: Don't go into the holidays thinking you can wing it. Take some time to know what activities or situations you are going into that are likely going to be stressful, or potentially triggering. This way, you can come up with a plan for how to manage them successfully. Write up a list of counter statements you can use when Uncle Mickey starts making unhelpful comments about weight or when Cousin Mildred gets on about calories. Use opposite action when presented with a food your E.D. is telling you not to have but you know you use to really enjoy. Know who you can call or text in times of trouble or stress. Go to your calm or safe place when you feel unsafe or distressed. In some ways, preparing for high risk situations is like fire drills. They help prepare you in case there is ever a fire to maximize safety and minimize harm.   

And remember... regardless of how the holidays go... they will not last forever. Hang in there. One meal at a time, one day at a time, one event at a time. Be gently with yourself, and ease off the perfectionism a little. Allow yourself to say, 'no', when you need to, and 'yes' when you want to. Look at cat pictures of the internet.... like this one. Take time to smile every once and awhile and just 'be'. 

(I couldn't resist this little guy... love hairless cats!)

Accessed from: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:2_weekold_Female_Sphynx_(Suki).jpg Dec.12, 2016

Container and Safe Place

Last year, I completed training in Eye Movement Reprocessing and Desensitization (E.M.D.R.) and was introduced to the skills of 'container/containment' and 'safe/calm place'. Other therapy modalities also use these skills. I love them! Especially safe place. Both involve visualization and can help decrease anxiety. Give them a try!

So, container/containment. Close your eyes for a moment. Think of some sort of container that is strong and sturdy. Something that you can put things into that you know won't be able to get out. When I close my eyes and do this, I see a treasure chest box. Black/grey-ish, with rusted metal trim on its seams. There's a latch with a key hole to keep it locked. It's a special kind of chest in that it is a bottomless container... sort of like Hermione's bag (for all you Harry Potter fans) that contains endless amount of things. When I'm feeling distressed, or have too many thoughts roaming around in my head that keep me from falling asleep or focusing at the task at hand, I put them in this container. I visualize every worry and painful feeling I can't attend to in this moment flying into this container. I shut the lid *thud* and slide it to the back corner in the basement, where it's dark and dingy... cobwebs in the corners and ceiling. It sits there until I allow myself to pull it out.

The concept of the container isn't meant for you to be in denial of the painful things you put in there... it's not meant to be locked up forever (because we all know that doesn't work!). But, it gives yourself permission to take a break from it for a bit. Then, perhaps when you are in your  next therapy appointment, or with a trusted support person, you allow yourself to take it out again and work on it. 

Next is calm/safe place. If you prefer the word calmness over safety, that is okay. It is not important which word you choose to reference this place, as long as it is a place where calmness and peace resides. 

Similarly to container, visualize a place that is filled with everything calm and safe. It can be real, or imaginary. Are you alone or with someone? Any animals there? What is in your surroundings? Can you hear anything? Are you inside or outside? Any smells or tastes? What can you feel? 

My calm place has changed over the years. It used to be a remote shoreline of a lake up North, near White Otter Castle, that awaited me after completing a portage. There was a pebble beach with various trees (oak, maple, birch, pine) defining the shoreline. It was summer time, blue sky, warm and no bugs. There is a sense of awe and wonder here, as well as relief. There is no wind, the water is calm, although I can hear it lap up against the pebbles. In reality, there were more people there, but in my calm place, it is just me. It is a first person view. I don’t have a physical picture of this place… but it is so clear in my mind.

I can go there whenever I want. I can go there when I’m alone or in a crowd.  And, if for whatever reason, this place somehow becomes ‘tainted’ and is no longer calm or safe, I can let it go and think up a new place. Same with the container… if when pulling it up in your mind you feel as though it won’t do the job you need it to, think up something new or different. Add things to it or start fresh. So, next time you are needing some ‘calmness’ in your life, try putting your distress in a container and then visually going to your calm place!

Grief and Recovery

I’ve been thinking a lot about grief lately. In doing so, I realized there are many similarities between grief and recovery. Read through this piece, first as it is written. Then, reread it replacing the word ‘grief/loss’ with the word, ‘recovery’. 

It takes as long as it takes: Sometimes people worry that they are taking too long to grieve. They, and often society, push themselves to “just get over it”. It’s not that easy. If it were, they would have done so already, no? Grief takes as long as it takes. You can’t compare grief, because no two lives and experiences are the same. Try to ease off the comparison (and assumption) that others are moving along ‘better’, ‘faster’, or more ‘stronger’ than you. Move through grief at your own pace, and remember, it takes as long as it takes.

Give it time: As much as this may not be helpful to hear at times, there is a measure of truth to this. In time, we develop a different relationship to the loss, than when it first happened. Time doesn’t fix the pain felt, but it gives us space to develop new templates without what we once had. 

It takes effort: Parts of grief are more passive, and other parts require a lot of work. Yes, it takes as long as it takes, and we have to give it time, however, avoidance is not a long term solution. You will have days where every fibre of your being is saying, “just stay down”. Self-care, and then keep going. It is possible, for a variety of reasons, to get prolong or get stuck in grief. Some parts of grief you’ll be able to work through on your own, other parts will require the support of a friend/family/professional/support group or even stranger. It’s okay to let people in on the process. 

You are forever changed: We experience grief for a reason. Some ‘thing’ in our lives, whether it be a hope, a reality, a person, sense of security, innocence, etc. meant something to us. Maybe we didn’t even realize until that ‘thing’ was gone or until it was too late. When we go through loss, when we experience grief, a shift occurs within us. We can never go back to what was, or what was hoped to be. The present and future are altered from how we experienced the reality of what was. And… as much as we might try to bargain to go back to what was, it can’t. Take what you’ve learned as you build a different present and future. 

It’s full of emotions: There are various theories and frameworks to try and explain grief. Some view it in stages, others see it more dynamic that this. Regardless, it is inevitable you are going to feel. Try to be compassionate with yourself, even if it feels unfamiliar or awful. Remember that the feeling you feel right now will pass. You can’t cry forever. And, when the more positive emotions start to surface, allow them to be present. You haven’t done anything wrong by laughing during grief. You haven’t betrayed anyone or anything. Life has to move forward again. It might be a quick reprieve, or maybe a signal of changing times. Whatever it is, it’s there for a reason.

Not everyone will understand: Expect to encounter individuals who will put their foot in their mouth. We’ve all done it. Sometimes it happens because they are nervous, or feel helpless… maybe they just don’t know what to say and feel as though they should… maybe they are looking for comfort themselves. And, sometimes, people are just insensitive. Know you are not alone. It’s okay to set up boundaries with people around what you are and aren’t will to do or talk about. Try to find someone to share your grief with. It’s already a heavy load to have to hold… we all need someone to listen to us, cry with us, distract and celebrate with.

A Few of My Favourite Things

Every now and then, family members send me random links of animals being silly or ridiculously cute. I love it. Despite how sad, stressed, distracted, anxious or whatever other feeling I’m feeling that isn’t the most pleasant, they always make me smile. They give me a reprieve from my emotional distress. These links or pictures don’t change what contributed to my distress, and I still have to deal with it, however, it lets me have a second to regroup and smile before going back to it. During my masters, I had Cute Overload in my tool bar on my computer for easy access to help balance the demands of academia. I thought I’d share some of my favourites links or PodCasts that make me smile or provide me with a much needed distraction*. What are yours?

The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

http://www.comedywildlifephoto.com/gallery/

Cute Overload - Twitter

https://twitter.com/cuteoverload

National Geographic

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/photography/

This Is That - CBS (attn: satire content!)

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/thisisthat

Science Vs - Gimlet Media (Podcast)

https://gimletmedia.com/show/science-vs/

Surprisingly Awesome - Gimlet Media (Podcast)

https://gimletmedia.com/show/surprisingly-awesome/

*I do not endorse everything in the above links 

Showing Compassion

The other day, I read an article regarding etiquette on social media etiquette around death. I’ve studied a lot about death and dying in my undergrad days, but so much has changed technology wise within that period of time. As I was reading, I felt a deep sense of guilt for how I handled a situation a few years ago. I posted something earlier than, in hindsight, I wish I had. I was sad, and in disbelief at the time. I wanted to grieve, but felt removed from the situation due to distance. My post didn’t go well with some. For others, it granted them permission to start posting the same sort of thoughts and feelings I had. Still, I wish I had waited… and I know now, how to navigate similar situations in the future. 

This situation got me thinking… All we want from others when we screw up is to be shown compassion… even if we feel like this is the last thing we deserve or dare to hope for, on some level we still want it. Yet, we are the last ones to show compassion to ourselves.  We beat ourselves up for our humanness, yet generously extend it to others*. We need others in our journey towards health and wellness... but we also need it from ourselves towards ourselves. You cut yourself short in your journey by not doing so! 

If time travel was a reality, I’m sure there would be things I would go back and change… but I can’t. I can fight hard against this reality, however it won’t get me anywhere positive.  The times I fought back against acceptance, I usually ended up in more pain. All I can do, all you can do, is learn from it and try do better next time. Maybe it means needing to go through the same situation ten times before making a change… but it’s still a change. In the meantime, grant yourself some compassion.

*I want to add that not everyone shows compassion to others. I can think of many reasons for why this is and am not going to get into them today. My point is, when we don’t show compassion to ourselves, or others, we end up hurting ourselves due to the heaviness that comes from holding onto it.

Faces of Recovery 2016

Mark your calendars! 

A Farmer Had a Horse

I came across this fable the other day as I was reading Dr. Jackie Gardner-Nix’s book, The Mindfulness Solution to Pain. The title is the perfect description of the essence of the book. Whether one is experiencing chronic pain or emotional pain, mindfulness has been a proven resource to help manage, tolerate and in many cases reduce pain. What I also appreciated from this read, is that it falls in line with the evidence based therapy for eating disorders, DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). 

Radical acceptance, a skill from DBT, is all about accepting a situation, as it is, without judgment. Stuck in traffic? Getting ticked off and impatient you are not where you want/need to be will not change the reality that you are not moving as fast as you would like. It is what it is. Might as well, in this situation that you can’t change, use another DBT skills: intentionally creating positive experiences. Turn on the radio to your favourite station and rock out (safely of course) while you wait. Did you just binge or engage in an ED symptom? Accept it without judgement. Remind yourself that shame and guilt will only make you further engage in ED symptoms. Accept that it happened, without judgment towards yourself or the situation, and forge on. 

I digress… what I like about radical acceptance, and other DBT skills, is that it encourages one to go with the flow and be more flexible in thinking and behaving, a sign of health and wellness. As the fable will show, and is an important reminder, things may not always be what they seem, nor have the costs or benefits initially mourned or celebrated. Therefore, take each moment as it is and not get ahead of ourselves. 

Check it out:

“A farmer had a horse. One day, his horse ran away.

All the neighbours came by saying, “I’m so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.” The man just said, “We’ll see.”

A few days later, his horse came back with twenty wild horses. The man and his son corralled all 21 horses.

All the neighbours came by saying, “Congratulations! This is such good news. You must be so happy!” The man just said, “We’ll see.”

One of the wild horses kicked the man’s only son, breaking both his legs.

All the neighbours came by saying, “I’m so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.” The man just said, “We’ll see.”

The country went to war, and every able-bodied young man was drafted to fight. The war was terrible and killed every young man, but the farmer’s son was spared, since his broken legs prevented him from being drafted.

All the neighbours came by saying, “Congratulations! This is such good news. You must be so happy!” The man just said, “We’ll see.”’

- Unknown